When I'm not engaged with this blog- and let's be honest, I seldom am anymore- I'm a Lieutenant on the front lines of a social institution's fight for survival. Or maybe more like an auctioneer at the fourth estate sale, perhaps...Either way it involves a lot of barking, a lot of noise, and always more losers than winners...
I'd like to think I'm good at what I do. I'd like to think I'm effective, that I get results. But let the record show there isn't a day goes by I don't wonder if I'm not a self-immolating sumo match over occupancy limits. This doesn't elevate my thinking of anyone, but it does serve to level the playing field for a time.
Honestly I don't know if I'm cut out for all this. If the holes I patch outstrip the shoddy stitches I can't help but rip. I feel I'm better suited for a dark room with minimal human intervention, as a gelatinous cube issuing unseen commands rather than impotently scuffling to bring someone to a correct conclusion of their own accord. Go ahead and call me a cheater, the other way's not worth it. Because that's the problem with taking yourself on: even if you win, you lose. Fuck it.
...incidentally this would also be a good juncture to remind everyone of the origins of Icarian Challenge...
The Adventure of Link: Shadow Boxing
Zelda: a chink in the timeline
Continuing my lazy streak, here's another guest entry from Methossa...2 months after he sent it to me...And I always thought the reason Zelda was painful, unrewarding, and mildly confusing was because Link couldn't speak...
Joshstorm: Trying to figure out the Zelda timeline is what I imagine helping a tiger give birth is like: painful, unrewarding, mildly confusing.
Methossa: Yeah, I gave up after OOT. I think Nintendo refuses to disclose it so they can retcon when they want without having to admit it.
Joshstorm: Apparently OOT makes it split between Majora's Mask/Wind Waker, and each of those lines. Miyamoto doesn't care about continuity, look at him.
Joshstorm: Honestly though whenever canon says '...and then the timeline split' I know they're just doing an asspull.
Methossa: I'm imagining Zelda: Crisis on Infinite Earths to resolve all the timelines. Or is that just Smash Brothers?
Joshstorm: It does actually pull from both continuities... but they both have the same Final Smash. Plot twist? I blame... uh... Franklin Richards and his pocket dimensions.
Methossa: I'm not sure I'm ok with the possibility that Dr. Mario beats Mario in it. Mario Galaxy as a Columns style puzzle game would be far less enjoyable.
Joshstorm: Brawl retconned Melee out of continuity so it is fine now. Until Mario Prime gets a Star and creates new realities cause he's a dick. Then God help us.
Methossa: All realities will converge with Mario as lead character in all games. It'll be cool when he fights Robotnik, but awkward trying to use the fire flower on the Helghast.
Joshstorm: What about when it goes meta and he has to fight Miyamoto?
Methossa: I always thought that's who the hand in Smash Brothers was.
Joshstorm: Additional plot twist, in Brawl Master Hand is shown to be controlled by Tabuu from Subspace. Miyamoto's cry for help? The plot thickens.
Zelda 2: Sleep...
Early to bed and early to rise may make you healthy, wealthy and wise, and then again it may not. Either way, this grind will turn you into grist if you let it, and the closer the weekend the closer it is to Monday. There are so many things in the week that are out of our control, but this shouldn't be one of them. I understand the hours between when our brain is handed back to us and when it is again relinquished are sacred, but make them about quality instead of quantity, and don't forget your beauty rest.
Zelda: The triforce of life
You know that triangle diagram that software developers and contractors pull out to justify screwing you? You can get what you want fast and cheap, but it won't be pretty, or you could have it nice and you could have it now, but it comes at a cost? The same can be said about our lives:
Money buys comfort, but life is too short for that second job in landscaping. I know a quick and cheap way to feel great, but you won't feel so good the morning after. And if you want someone in your life that makes you happy and doesn't charge by the hour, you've got to accept that it could take a while to find them.
Knowing what you want from this life is not enough. You've got to know you're willing to give up to get it.
Haiku for well-trodden tracks
I don't subscribe to meditation, much to mother's chagrin. I never could sit still that long without a controller in my hands. But I believe in the principle, and feel we can find it in our daily lives not through consciously not doing, but through consciously doing that which we do every day. The morning coffee and lolcats, followed forty-five minutes later by a productive bathroom break. Nine hours afterwards the smell of sauteing garlic, a beer from the very back of the fridge. Rinsing, drying, stacking dishes, stars on the porch with the day's single cigarette, walking the dog before bed. The small, simple, routine tasks and treats that take us through the hours between Bioshock and Call of Duty can be blessings if we let them. If we own them. They are the small keys that lead to the map, the compass, and the larger key, which open on our demons and our treasures, and we discover them over, and over, and over, and over.
ZELDA.
scared to enter the next room
needz mah red potion!
bullying chickens
yields feathered retribution
strength flies in numbers
link works so damn hard
yet the game's named after her?
the sex aint that good
great, now I'm a wolf
must howl in perfect pitch
girl ain't worth this shit
why can't the bitch learn?
you see a pigface you run.
it's just that simple.
tingle we should talk
you can't keep coming around
it scares the children
magic talking boat
please have mercy upon me
let me drown myself
magic talking hat
i think you would love my friend
magic talking boat
slashing at grasses
seeking rupees in the dirt
did you check the couch?
i wield tiny sword
and pointy little green hat
oh so fucking what
Thanks to Doomeru, his flower girl, Kn0thing, and Mr. Mooch for all your contributions, and everybody (anybody?) out there reading.
You're what keeps me banging my head against the wall.
Our Imaginary Friends: Link
Honestly I've never been a fan. The SNES one was pretty good but what else was I gonna play- SmartBall?
Perhaps I wrote this series off when I was killed by my best friend Dave at his Zelda birthday party, which rendered me ineligible to win the inflatable Silly Billy punching bag prize, even though there's no way he was at full hearts and I totally said from the start that I was gonna be Zora, who everyone knows lurks out in the safety of the water and you're really better off avoiding.
Maybe it was his creepy lack of speech. I mean, come on, Golgo 13 he is not...
Or maybe it was just when The Adventure of Link came out and it became unavoidably clear that he wasn't wearing pants.
None of this is to say I don't play them, mind you. I just never get from respecting them to, you know, enjoying them. Kind of like Metal Gear. Or the Beatles. Or Jesus.
Make your own video game character at the South Park Studio and send them to us!
The Legend of Zelda: The Wii'd Whacker
Link may have a bright future in landscaping but I, on the other hand, have no desire to persist in such activities that would impair me from masturbating effectively. In fact I'd sooner sail a talking boat aimlessly across the ocean.
And to think I used to complain that Gamecube controllers were painful...
