Space Quest IV: the prime directive

Having only the use of our own two eyes, it's natural to assume that others see things the same way we do. But like beetles and bent trees, perception is shaped by our experience. That which does not apply is discarded, and from many we become one, peering aghast at impossible forms of life across the water. We are islands, but never too far...Or far enough. When winter is not upon us it's on the way, and you're going to have to trade with the natives. So try to get comfortable- we don't walk in each others' shoes to see how they'll fit.

Gold Rush: ain't that a kick in the head

The wise always make new mistakes, but the prudent stick with the devils they know, because there's just no telling what you can find yourself walking into. Some things in life you're never the same again after having done, and you'd take back their toll of reducing you to a helpless drooling idiot if only the blow hadn't also made you see stars. These things can't be unlearned. Knowledge may be power, but the first lesson learned is that ignorance is bliss.

Manhunter: stupid is as stupid does

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Especially the stupid ones. Call it kismet call it karma, stoichiometry or dharma, eventually all the chickens come home to roost. If you play with fire you're gonna get burned, and you can only gorge so much before your stomach turns. Trying to avoid such a cold balance I've instead gone nowhere and done nothing at all, only to find myself pacing the hall and more mentally taxed than ever before. There's no deflecting the downsides of our deeds, so tread lightly and save often.

Police Quest 2: The Pledge

It's perfectly natural to want to walk into work and start shooting. If you don't ever think about it, then you're probably not paying attention...And likely will be one of the people shot...

But you know that what you need to do instead is take a deep breath, and find a way to move forward. When a moron stands between you and doing the right thing, then consider your course of action. Can you go around him? Above, below, or through?

The trick is finding the equanimity to take the tack that not only solves your problem, but actually makes it easier for the next would-be postal worker to come along. Believe me, you're not alone. And neither snow nor rain, nor heat nor gloom of night will stay us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds. Let's just try to not hurt too many morons in the process.

Police Quest: The most important tests in life are unannounced

Life is full of random battles, so it's natural to feel unequipped. Coming up in our careers and punting through our personal lives we find ourselves outnumbered, outmaneuvered, and without remedy or revival. You could instead spend the days aimlessly levelling against an unknown foe, building your defenses for an eventual affliction of the heart and mind, but you'll only end up calloused. Remember, the worst thing that can happen is you'll have to start over.

Police Quest: spread the love

Sometimes the only thing to do is play in the sunshine. Sometimes the burn is worth the warmth. Sometimes we must gorge ourselves on curried pleasure and drink the sweet fermented lemonade of endless summer, because doing any less would be an insult to the universe. Some days are so perfect that the only thing you can do is stroll through them, and look. And if someone doesn't get it, just give them a glass of lemonade.

HAPPY SUMMER!

Willy Beamish: all is not lost

Crediting your aptitude at a given task to external factors such as rabbit's feet, footwear, or turbo buttons is preemptively striking away responsibility for the time when you'll inevitably fuck it up. We get out what we put in, and put in whatever we're willing to pull out. We may get high with a little help from our friends, but the power to rise above lies within. This life will jam you up and beat you down; It will strip you of every comfort and crutch you hold dear, but it can never take that power away. So don't sit around waiting for your hair to grow back.

Police Quest III: There's one in every office...At least one...

So much of so many of our lives is about finding friends, falling in love, and making families, yet most of our days are spent not in the company we keep, but at the one in which we work. And thus the company we keep becomes not those we chose, but those with whom we work. So either you learn to love your new family, or you learn to love the weekends. Happy Friday.

Alf: Working with what you've got

Policies and processes have their purposes, but they also have their place. Because the one thing I've learned from this corporate existence is that if you want something done you have to do it yourself, and it's better to apologize than ask permission...Even if you don't really mean it. The going may get ugly- it will certainly get tough- but the point is that you're going, and going is the only way to get anywhere.

Time Hollow: A matter of perspective

Life can be hard for teenagers. Take Ethan Kairos, for instance: His dog died, his uncle is an abusive jerk, his friends are tools, his teacher may be a sexual predator, and the only girls that will talk to him have yet to reach puberty. Under such circumstances Ethan can't help but take his frustrations out on his loving parents.

But then someone went back in time and murdered them, and things got a whole lot better!

Willy Beamish: Our emissary to the future

Willy cannot vote, and has no interest in voting. In a minute he's going to sneak out of detention to play video games. Willy is smart, and Willy is spunky. He skateboards, dreams of becoming the world Nintari champion, and pushes his little sister on the swing. But Willy also cannot read.

Oh, Willy knows his synonynms and antonyms, and what to write at the beginning and end of an essay question, but the truth is he can't even communicate without a multiple choice array of what to say. Social promotion and standardized test prep has taught Willy how to exist within the system, but not how to navigate it. Willy knows he won't go to college- he’ll never even grow up. Willy knows what we expect of him, and acts accordingly. He'll graduate in two years, and in less time his slingshot antics will land him in prison, and the cycle continues.

I don’t know whether the solution is school funding, vouchers, higher teacher pay, channel one, or what. I’m just glad to not be back there myself. But, contrary to Willy’s childish beliefs, there are no saves or restores in this life. This election, let’s keep him in our minds.

Haiku for happy hermits

Sometimes- oftentimes- I want nothing more than to be left alone. And it is generally at such junctures that, one way or another, the outside world comes calling. I fled New York City for the farthest reaches of Northeast Ohio, hoping to escape the push/pull pressures of friends, family, work, and women, but quickly found they'd followed me. Or, more accurately, I'd brought them all along. A man's home is his castle, but the only sanctuary is his head. We must work to keep both tidy.

This week's haiku go out to those who've truly left the crowd behind.

kn0thing starts us off with a true antisocial classic...

TECMO'S DECEPTION

landlord for satan
classic traps never get old
giant feet crush guests



oh jack do come in
can i take your coat for you
watch that first step there


zoning committee
does not approve of gargoyles
your lawn needs mowing


our creepy neighbor
what is he building in there
i think he's jewish


DUNGEON KEEPER

bile demon swarm
devours intrepid hero
home security


gold procurement slows
weary imp slaves need slapping
resource management


small party they said
your parents will never know
i'm done with these guys


UNINVITED

the bar scene is rough
it's hard to meet new people
try eHarmony



my old hippy friends
still don't believe in hygiene
when's your flight again?


NIGHT TRAP

sorority girls
vivacious and beautiful
until open mouth



lisa was pretty
so no one really knew her
exsanguination



bloodsucking gimpface
happy his partner went first
he will not be missed



dana was nimble
escaped vampires and midget
have to do myself

Got a haiku for us? Or a game, or theme you'd like to see haiku'd? Leave a comment, or email us.

Write to Al Lowe. He will then write to you.

Almost as if having a "conversation" with "another person," sending a not-stupid note to webmail@allowe.com will garner a not-stupid response. From Al Lowe!

After shamelessly shilling him our most recent Leisure Suit Larry haiku we began a series of correspondence about his feelings on the current state of adventure gaming, gaming in general, and what he's playing at the moment. He also let me grill him about back-in-the-day, such as the switch from programming in textytexty to touchyclicky and how he used his own personality in the Larry series.

But I promised I wouldn't post it, so you'll just have to write him yourself.

Also, make sure to check out his humor site and consider signing up for his (SFW) free daily joke mail. Guaranteed to make you smile or your money back.

Lost: Via Nuthin

I'm a fan of Lost, but not at the level of those who think the show and its mysteries were handed down to us by God Almighty. The Lord handed down those mysteries through Battlestar Galactica. Lost, for all its merits, is inscrutably tied to ABC, and thus Disney, and I think this relationship inhibits the show and the directions it can take. Lost doesn't take the huge risks with characters and assets that BSG does, and when it comes to plotholes they've left more dead in their wake than the Cylons killed on the Twelve Colonies.

You could see the game version of Lost as a risky move for the show, and I'll be the first to admit that, faults and all, it's still a far better conversion than Sierra's insultingly bad BSG game. If you want an awesome BSG experience go check out the Freespace 2 total conversion and buy a fucking joystick to play it with, you frakking toaster.

Anyway, Lost game. Right. Lets get to that.

If this torch goes out, you will literally die of dark fright. Seriously. This would never happen on BSG.

You're slotted into the Lost universe via a never-before-noticed standing-around-on-the-beach not-doing-anything-useful until-spoken-to-by-a-plot-relevant-character character, Elliot Maslow. You have amnesia from the crash, natch, but you've also got a camera, which I think as a tool for interaction pretty well sums up the entire Lost: Via Domus experience. You do a lot of passive observation, running from place to place and chatting up the main cast, but aside from an occasional puzzle you aren't given a chance to have any impact on the island.

Play is extremely linear and designed to ensure you move from one set piece to the next while only superficially skirting the familiar events of the show. This would be great if the environments offered any sort flexibility or meaning beyond just a polygonal tour of a few places on the island. The hatch, for example, is lovingly-realized but essentially dead. Sure you get to enter in the code sequence and push the button (Why does everyone on the show insist on calling the fucking Enter key a button?) but you can't do anything else. Elliot isn't visibly surprised by the hatch's existence or the prospect of taking a shower for the first time in weeks, but then again he goes through the whole game looking like a total stoner.

"Wait....What?"

A good example of the disconnect between the player and the action can be found in one of the smoke monster sequences. You have to cross through a part of jungle by following a series of conveniently-placed markers. Survival only entails holding down the run button and identifying the correct bush- sorry- Banyan tree, to approach, then hiding in it and watching the monster swirl around you from a first person perspective. To a Lost fan this is damn cool: the monster's a genuine threat that will kill you if you fuck up, the sound effects are spot on and it looks sinister...the first time. After you've run, hidden, and watched the smoke monster nine times, it gets pretty annoying. Oh, and after making it through -and I'll spare you the suspense, you're getting moldy dynamite from the Black Rock- you then have to retrace your steps, but this time at a leisurely pace so as not to blow yourself up. If the smoke monster came after me my first choice would not be to saunter away from it.

Throughout the whole 3-hour tour I couldn't tell if I was experiencing a game or an interactive story book. (Look, we've digitized Lost! Done!) In fact, Via Domus is just a really well-packaged marketing tool. I'm amazed at this aspect, because as vapid as the game is, it obviously wasn't programmed by morons. I never encountered any glitches or puzzle-breaking issues. The animations for Locke's face are near astonishing -his gold miner voice notwithstanding. What else was Terry O'Quinn doing? It isn't like he was off filming the Pegasus episode of TNG or anything. It's almost as if the developers, independent of the marketers and PR flacks, set out to make something great but just didn't get the assets or freedom to do so.

"To be honest, the whole violating the Treaty of Algeron thing still doesn't really bother me."

Consider Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay or Michel Ancel's King Kong. Both are members of the oft-derided licensed game category, and sure, both might have helped incremental sales of their associated media, but Butcher Bay was based on a schlock film and the King Kong movie didn't really need a boost. Both were very good games. I'd say Butcher Bay is one of my all-time favorites, but they were both made with a coherent philosophy and meant to be enjoyed. Not just ogled.

"WAAAAALT!!!"

Haiku for the greatest adventure of all

We learned last week that the greatest adventures are in the company of great friends. Today we shall learn that there is no greater friend than the one we love, and no greater adventure than coming to love them.

HEART OF CHINA, CONTINUED...

love lasts forever
but does not always end well
you should get tested

so the cunt left you
they all, eventually
bourbon never will


value bird in hand
but remember your own worth
believe you can fly



inexplicable
captivating attraction
love is not a choice


like a predator
i hunger to devour you
water buffalo


hurts first a little
eventually awesome
just give it a try


every princess
gets the urge to go slumming
maintain the plumbing



keep hope alive but
be careful what you wish for
you just might get it

cling to each detail
though they fade and blur in time
know it still happened

true lust requited
only causes more longing
but she was worth it


don’t be a doormat
her appendages work fine
chivalry is dead


what ever happened
to having a simple fuck
not four letter word



fucking is fine
but intimacy divine
also alcohol

know when to fold em
but winning hands do get drawn
know when to hold em


taming of the shrew
not impossible to do
remember to laugh

Haiku for tranformative travels

When the point on a great journey is reached where there are less days ahead than behind, it becomes hard not to look backwards. There's nothing wrong with reminiscing, but resist rumination, for without your eyes open you'll surely stumble, or worse: miss the rest of the trip. Instead, focus on your companions in trek, and those you meet along the way. There is so much more to see.

This week's haiku go out to all who savor each moment and seek the wisdom of the road.

HEART OF CHINA

walk in other’s shoes
immerse in experience
enjoy little things


heed wisened elders
even be they pruny hags
healing herbs they make


universal rule
never begrudge nourishment
hospitality


don’t cross fat warlords
they can be irrational
spoil your holiday


rage at enemies
only causes poor grammar
anger leads astray


when you are outgunned
good to have a ninja friend
invisible, go!

loyalty is key
but remember and respect
all friends have limits


a man accepts help
but abstains from usury
always pay your debts


patience lucky boy
waiting can be a blessing
and this, too, shall pass


must keep moving on
allowing no moss to grow
find new, tasty soups

Thanks for reading! Please come back next Friday, when we'll see what Heart of China can teach us about love!