Breaking News: Batshit Violence Virus spreading on Staten Island?

Islanders might want to pack their tasers before leaving for work today, and not engage neighbors carrying blunt objects in conversation.

As seen in this shocking video, mass bird deaths have been reported recently at points around the borough, coinciding with a high incidence of brutal quality-of-life crimes.

Flanked by police, fire, and health and human service officials at a St. George press conference today, Borough President James P. Molinaro encouraged Islanders to remain vigilant but not overreact.

"If it's terrorists doing this we'll hit them hard," Molinaro said. "But we should leave the beatings to our qualified law enforcement people. I assure you that our brave first responders, who lost so many of their own on 9/11, are working to keep us safe."

Islanders are encouraged to avoid areas with a high incidence of graffiti,
and to use block to their advantage.

Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said police are awaiting autopsy results to determine the birds' cause of death. Kelly declined to comment on whether the wave of avian fatalities had any relation to peacock mauler John Potts, or Robert "rooster stomper" Johnson, saying only the investigation was ongoing.

But Staten Island Advance Editor Brian J. Laline, whose local paper unlocked the coveted Golden Bird Achievement Award last year for tirelessly mapping the location of every dead bird found on the island, believes the corpses are connected to a similar phenomenon that gripped neighboring Metro City in 2005.

Golden Bird Achievement Award, presented to Staten Island Advance editorial board December 12, 2005

"Everyone in the city started hiding in broken down department stores and beating each other with two-by-fours and mannequin arms," Laline said. "Our sources tell us FBI agents contained the incident, but were unable to determine its cause, as the plot made about as much sense as an episode of Lost, and was far less interesting."

Laline said the Advance will conduct their own investigation into the past events of Metro City.

"I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I believe there's something the federal government is not telling us," Laline said. "How many more mailboxes and bus shelters are going to have to be vandalized before the truth comes out?"

Condemned, Criminal Origins: More fun than a lead pipe to the face

Doomeru didn't know if it was a promise or a threat, but I told him the first thing I'd play with his replaced red ring hand-me-down was Condemned.

And two weeks into a self-imposed exile of professional and emotional development, alone in my apartment, with five inches of snow outside and a refrigerator's maddening hum the only break to this town's smothering silence, I could think of no healthier time for some intense violence and strong language set against a backdrop of decay and creeping blood lust.

And there's not a whole lot to be said about it. I've beaten the homeless and mentally disturbed with blunt objects before- who hasn't? Clearly even this senior FBI agent has had a significant level of experience with it:

What I feel recommends Condemned more than anything is the ownership expressed by its designers. None of this Sporesque sandbox namby pamby live-your-own-experience crap. That stuff is nice when drinking with friends and small children, but come on. I say shit or get off the pot people, and, when the snow's coming down and the refrigerator's humming, I think more of you agree with me than care to admit it. Everyone loved Final Fantasy X and the entire world map was a straight line!

Condemned has kept narrative hope alive with convincing atmosphere and a compelling story.

...Albeit one that is told largely through loading screens...And doesn't make even a modicum of sense or offer any resolution...

Did I mention you get a taser?