Dead Space 2: what they say about chivalry

 

 

I am all for breaking down the wall between games and their cinematics, but with new cinematography comes new requirements for the suspension of disbelief…

Seriously Isaac, we've stockpiled like forty-seven health packs.

Draw Something: Say Anything

There have been times when I've seen my life as a series of failures to communicate. My temptation is to turn inward, but at times like these the opposite is all the more important. We must flail, gyrate, and gesticulate, try anything to separate the truth from noise. Otherwise it's all just charades.

My cousin didn't get it...

A moment of clarity!

I know how you feel, Charlie Brown.

Facebook exposes liberal elite conspiracy to falsify news and support terrorist muslim president

VINDICATION! I knew it all along!

...Also, happy birthday Erica and Jeremy...

Eye of the tiger

I'm not a fan of any sports, but I'm particularly not a fan of golf. And believe me, I've tried. In my formative years...


and during pseudo-charitable, quasi-corporate events...



But I needed to share this, perhaps poorly timed(?) message, brought to you by Accenture and Tiger Woods.

It applies to all of us.

Including you.

Too sexy for your party

I've been feeling out of sync lately, and it's something deeper than the general malaise of not relating or fitting in.

Maybe it's because after extensive interviews and testing an executive coach concluded that, while my co-workers believe my heart to be in the right place, they wish that it, and my body, were elsewhere, not making them feel so inadequate and uncomfortable.

Or maybe it's just because Doomeru loaned me his uncut collector's edition of American Psycho.

Either way, this is how I've chosen to express it. Push the button. Perhaps you can relate.

What is wrong with us, part 3

Like Little Mac and Bald Bull's barber, we just don't know when to quit. We think that leaning into the punch just one more time might turn it to an open palm, but the truth is that people don't change- they just learn to stop apologizing for being the way they are.

...And they learn to stop playing Jade Cocoon 2. That's it, I'm done.

What is wrong with us, part 2

This next clip teaches us that the important things in life take persistence, that respect is earned in drops and dropped in buckets, and that the societal dilemma caused by a series of tubes irrevocably altering the business model of journalism might best be averted by newspapers around the country hiring obnoxious Japanese boys to do their investigative reporting...

no, seriously.

What is wrong with us, part 1

I've got no motivation for you today. Deal with it.

Instead, here's a video of some of the most painful video game dialogue I've sat through in a while:

Civil War: a fight best forgotten

Yes, well at least they didn’t outsource America’s bloodiest conflict to an Asian company…

You’d like to believe that the people around you have good intentions.

Like you’d like to believe that a trusted information source, beloved by the likes of Sam Waterston and Tony Soprano alike, wouldn’t cash in on their reputation to sell a substandard product.

You’d like to believe that…

Swashbucklers: Why must you talk to me?

I don't know about ya'll, but this is how the boss sounds to me every morning...

...Either I need to drink less, or she needs to drink more...

...she definitely needs to drink more...

Happy Friday!

Trauma Center, Under the Knife 2: what splitscreen was made for

...yeah, her face wasn't really much to look at anyway...


And speaking of boobs, er, Trauma Center, did you catch our montage from back in the day?

Vampire Rain: sneaking the thin line between profound and absurd

I seldom have anything nice to say about the games I play, and realize that to a casual observer it would seem I should find a new hobby. But all of you know better. A video game is like pizza- even when it's bad it's good. Or is that sex? Whatever. The point is that there are gems buried in all the shit we play; gems buried in all the shit we do. Sometimes it just takes some digging to find them. That, and a healthy appetite for shit.

Take Vampire Rain, for instance. No, seriously:

Special thanks to kn0thing for the Don LaFontaine impressions. Now there was a man with a healthy appetite for shit...

Happy Martin Luther King Day!

On this momentous Martin Luther King Day, only hours away from the inauguration of President l33t, we should reflect on how far we have come, how far we have left to go, and how different things might have been if the Union hadn't been set to player one by default.



Happy MLK day, everyone. And remember: A house divided cannot stand.

Endwar: Makes me proud to be American

Americans haven't had much to gloat about these last eight years, but take heart that we finally now have a game where our boys are the coolest team in town...

...Of course each nation has the same units, with absolutely zero difference between their attributes, and the other guys are Russia and the European Union, so it's not like we have to stack up against Libya or anything...

But the point is that our inter-battle banter is way better than the alternatives. USA! USA!

BTW, I've been meaning to actually write a review of Endwar, but ironically it just will not end...

Time Hollow: A matter of perspective

Life can be hard for teenagers. Take Ethan Kairos, for instance: His dog died, his uncle is an abusive jerk, his friends are tools, his teacher may be a sexual predator, and the only girls that will talk to him have yet to reach puberty. Under such circumstances Ethan can't help but take his frustrations out on his loving parents.

But then someone went back in time and murdered them, and things got a whole lot better!

Wild Arms XF: Scratch n' Sniff

...Oh Japanese kink...

...you almost make the constant ellipses worth it...

...almost...

Sprung: How Becky Sabotaged Her Career

It's been a while since we checked in on our favorite party girl.
I wonder how she's doing?

Becky never wanted to be a model anyway.

Front Mission: Fighting the good fight

Can the ends justify the means?

If history is written by the victor, wouldn't they always?

Sprung: Humor belongs to the losers

I don't believe I was a particularly morbid child, but it's fortunate no one in my parade of shrinks saw me read a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Every fork in the road I reached was methodically dog-eared, and I'd take the path less traveled by those without wish of death. It has made all the difference.

To this day I'm the guy who jumps at railings and walks himself off platforms, just to see if he can fall. No scenario plays out without every limit found, consequence felt, and friend in green crosshairs gun-butted, shot in the face, and fragged. One could argue I have a self-destructive streak, but every gamer worth their game knows that going the wrong way first yields the most loot, and the greatest treasures of all are found down dead ends.

And Sprung is nothing but dead ends.

Critics complained that making the right dialogue choices when chirping up a bird is rarely intuitive, and that the least logical thing to say was most often what she wanted to hear. I contend that these folks haven't spoken to any women recently.

Hitting close to home as it did, I soon started over with the female character. Nothing would stop me from becoming the sloppiest ho on Snowbird Mountain. I shamelessly threw myself at every male that crossed my path, but this approach quickly led to a case of herpes and precipitous drop in Becky's self-respect, resulting in Game Over.

Trying the opposite direction, I moped around the mountain shrugging off all male advances with allusions to broken heartedness and aspirations to rebound avoidance. But, receiving neither support nor pity, Becky was branded a prudish cold fish and retreated further into her sad solitude to contemplate suicide, while I was left to contemplate a Game Over.

Once again at a fork in the road, but unsatisfied with the ends of either means, I resolved to forge my own path. Becky would pick herself up and get back on the market. She'd be her buoyant, boisterous old self again, but it would be on her own terms. Her own fucked up twisted chick mind terms. Again, it has made all the difference.

How Becky got her groove back

Sprung: How Becky got her groove back

First, Becky needed some closure...



And then she was back on the hunt for Mr. Right!

Will Becky find true love on Snowbird Mountain? Stay Tuned!