Continuing my lazy streak, here's another guest entry from Methossa...2 months after he sent it to me...And I always thought the reason Zelda was painful, unrewarding, and mildly confusing was because Link couldn't speak...
Joshstorm: Trying to figure out the Zelda timeline is what I imagine helping a tiger give birth is like: painful, unrewarding, mildly confusing.
Methossa: Yeah, I gave up after OOT. I think Nintendo refuses to disclose it so they can retcon when they want without having to admit it.
Joshstorm: Apparently OOT makes it split between Majora's Mask/Wind Waker, and each of those lines. Miyamoto doesn't care about continuity, look at him.
Joshstorm: Honestly though whenever canon says '...and then the timeline split' I know they're just doing an asspull.
Methossa: I'm imagining Zelda: Crisis on Infinite Earths to resolve all the timelines. Or is that just Smash Brothers?
Joshstorm: It does actually pull from both continuities... but they both have the same Final Smash. Plot twist? I blame... uh... Franklin Richards and his pocket dimensions.
Methossa: I'm not sure I'm ok with the possibility that Dr. Mario beats Mario in it. Mario Galaxy as a Columns style puzzle game would be far less enjoyable.
Joshstorm: Brawl retconned Melee out of continuity so it is fine now. Until Mario Prime gets a Star and creates new realities cause he's a dick. Then God help us.
Methossa: All realities will converge with Mario as lead character in all games. It'll be cool when he fights Robotnik, but awkward trying to use the fire flower on the Helghast.
Joshstorm: What about when it goes meta and he has to fight Miyamoto?
Methossa: I always thought that's who the hand in Smash Brothers was.
Joshstorm: Additional plot twist, in Brawl Master Hand is shown to be controlled by Tabuu from Subspace. Miyamoto's cry for help? The plot thickens.
Zelda: a chink in the timeline
Super Mario World: don't hide under your hat
Fear is a natural and instinctual reaction that keeps us alive, but also from living. It nips at a man's heels, clouds how he truly feels, and keeps him always on the run. But when we finally stop, turn, and stare down our Dahaka, they're never as imposing or insurmountable as they seem when out of sight.
Game Over
It's not always an option to continue. Eventually, inevitably, you have to either start over or pull the damn plug and let the whole thing fade to black. I'm tired.
Mario Kart: Some girls will let you do it with them.
Okay to tell the truth I've never liked Mario Kart. I was always more of a road rash or downhill domination (dominate the downhill!) or other racing/punching people in the face kind of guy. Something about shells and banana peels, it's just so, I don't know, impersonal. Now Mario Tennis, that's something I could get behind. But I guess romance is just too creepy when it comes to this guy...
Anyway, this is a sweet song. And you should listen to it. Because it's good. And many girls seem to like Mario Kart. Because they don't know any better. Because they're girls.
Back to work!
Welcome back to your home away from home, my fellow peons!
We missed you over the weekend.
Now sip your morning coffee and sing along!
A fat promotion should go to MrFiddle1 for this awesome rendition of The Office theme song.
Wario goes for a ride
he sez gimmeh teh monee to get a fud, but i say no! you loafer!
Friday...if it came any sooner it wouldn't nom as good.
Mah sky...it's full of lakitooz and bullit billz, and ders always an eezy way out. But if u take it, u spend all ur mans wondern what u missd.
2 steps furwahrd...one step back...
Paula Abdul and that kitteh were on to something. Not the opposites thing. I think people who aren't like me should die. But about the lurching give-and-take of life. Just as soon as you start getting somewhere some asshole comes along and slugs you in the gut.
Okay, never mind. This has nothing to do with Paula Abdul. I just like cats.
Wrecking Crew: Shake your windows and rattle your walls
Doomeru: hey, what was the NES game where you bombed eggplants?
Sir Cucumber: bombed them?
Doomeru: well, you had bombs, and you destroyed walls, and there were eggplant dudes and ladders
Doomeru: and you could make your own levels
Doomeru: ...
Doomeru: and you used an image in ur Flip book
Sir Cucumber: Wrecking Crew
Doomeru: awesome
Doomeru: gonna get that
Doomeru: would make an interesting modern game
Sir Cucumber: hmm
Sir Cucumber: kind of simple for today, don't you think?
Sir Cucumber: they’d need to give Mario an augmentation
Sir Cucumber: maybe a bionic hammer arm
Sir Cucumber: and a chemical dependence on something
Sir Cucumber: stubble
Sir Cucumber: either that or you'd have to be able to customize his facial features and outfit with downloadable content
Sir Cucumber: he'd have flashbacks about fires and construction accidents
Sir Cucumber: It would only be marketable as an FPS with online multiplayer capabilities so he'd need a nail gun
Sir Cucumber: and a speed metal soundtrack
Sir Cucumber: i don’t think this sounds like a very good idea.
Meditation on Games Past: Super Mario Bros
I was connecting my 9-year old little brother’s Wii to the wireless network when it occurred to me he’d never played, nor even heard of, Super Mario Bros. His idea of classic gaming is Ratchet and Clank. So I dropped $5 on a download, turned the remote around in his hands, and stepped back.
He walked straight into the goomba on his first life but then realized he could jump over them, and soon found with glee that falling on one killed it. Being the type that picks up every last bolt in Ratchet despite my groaning protestations, he turned to take out the goombas he’d leapfrogged past.
“Why can’t I go back?” he asked.
“Because you can’t.”
“But why?”
“Dude, you just can’t.”
Further investigating the leftward wall, he kicked a koopa shell behind him. It came back.
I winced as he walked past the 1up mushroom between the hill and the pit, and felt a great sense of pride when he discovered how to run across one-block wide holes. I was tempted to show him the 1-2 warp zone, but I’m sure he’ll find it soon.
It’s not every day you get to look through eyes seeing Super Mario Bros for the first time. I highly recommend it.
Mario, why must you crap on me?
Super Paper Mario is dead to me. I survive the Sammer Guy ordeal only to be plot-forced back into world 6, which is now destroyed. I arrive in a white, featureless landscape, as if the coders forgot to drop in textures and enemies. There is literally nothing to do and as a reward for my playtime up to this point I get to walk from one end of this stage to the other, with nothing to jump over, no flames to avoid, no shells to kick.
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I waited in line for five hours at the Nintendo World Store to get this system on launch day, and the winning strategy for world 6-1 of Nintendo's "reinvention" of the Mario Bros. franchise comprises me holding down right on the d-pad for 10 minutes. And there isn't even a run button. For all the screeching about the wide variety of items in this game the one I use almost to the exclusion of all others just serves to let you move faster.
As every other reviewer seems to have forgotten, Super Paper Mario is a side-scroller! Mario doesn't saunter to the castle, he runs, or glides, or stomps people in a green shoe. He has a run button so he can do crazy jumps and pick up shells and not overstay his welcome. Hell, most straight RPGs have the decency to give you a run option on the map Paladin's Quest excepted, of course) so why in this supposedly innovative game do I have to go to a menu screen to choose between running sorta fast and being able to pick shit up?! I guess I should be grateful I can't point the Wii remote at the screen for tips.
Those Mega 64 geniuses could make a great movie about this.
Nintendo wants me to give up
I meet my first Sammer Guy and I have to fight him. Being an enterprising guy, I switch to Bowser and immediately beat him with a fireball. Cute. Suddenly I'm told I have to fight 99 more of these guys. I figure this is just some more idle chatter, that something will come along and interrupt my battles, saving me in some silly fashion from what would become more chore than game.
Instead, I go on to fight 19 more basically identical enemies, each one easily killed by a fireball but requiring me to click through pre and post-fight text as well as going from screen to screen. This is sick.
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A lot of funny stuff going on in this picture. I mentioned I was using Bowser, which must be part of Nintendo's whole push to break the fourth wall in games or let you explore the dark side or something. Bowser's got a little leaf sprouting from his nose too, which is actually an item. I'd tell you why it's there, but I don't want to spoil this epic for you.
I actually ended up encountering 26 Sammer Guys, the last 6 didn't even fight me. I just walked up to them, clicked through nonsense dialogue, and moved on. There wasn't even a boss at the end of the stage to justify the 40 minutes I spent. Never before has moving from the left to the right side of the screen felt so apparent, as if there really isn't a game in my Wii and instead just an experiment to test my tolerance. Thanks, Nintendo.
Super Paper Mari-zzzzz
I wish Super Paper Mario had been one of these games. 12 hours in, and it hasn't gotten any harder than World 1-1. I was never a big fan of the Paper Mario series; I prefer my RPG's without timed button presses, but I bought S.P.M. based on its quality appearance and reported platforming elements. 12 hours spent, at least 9 hours of which have involved paging through dialogue that I skip with only a slight measure of guilt. Since when did Mario need plot?
At first it seemed cool that I could level up Mario, finally having a reason to stomp all the bad guys instead of just jumping past them. But all that level-raising doesn't count for much in such a consistently easy game. Your stomping power increases, as does your HP. I've got 40 HP now and you'd have to be blind or accidentally using a Genesis controller to lose.
So, is this a Mario game or not? I can jump on enemies, but I can't run. I can fall down pits but it only shaves off one HP. It has a plot, but it sucks and I can skip it. I've never felt so ambivalent about a game before, and yet here I sit, playing along with Mario until some other game comes along.
