the resigned gamer, everything I hate about the thing I love the most

Mario, why must you crap on me?

Posted by Doomeru Woebashi at 2:42 PM on Monday, June 18, 2007

doomeru be pissed, the resigned gamerSuper Paper Mario is dead to me. I survive the Sammer Guy ordeal only to be plot-forced back into world 6, which is now destroyed. I arrive in a white, featureless landscape, as if the coders forgot to drop in textures and enemies. There is literally nothing to do and as a reward for my playtime up to this point I get to walk from one end of this stage to the other, with nothing to jump over, no flames to avoid, no shells to kick.

Welcome to the irreducible power of Nintendo Wii:

mario paper just sucks, the resigned gamer
So boring, even Cactrot tried to break the monotony.

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I waited in line for five hours at the Nintendo World Store to get this system on launch day, and the winning strategy for world 6-1 of Nintendo's "reinvention" of the Mario Bros. franchise comprises me holding down right on the d-pad for 10 minutes. And there isn't even a run button. For all the screeching about the wide variety of items in this game the one I use almost to the exclusion of all others just serves to let you move faster.

As every other reviewer seems to have forgotten, Super Paper Mario is a side-scroller! Mario doesn't saunter to the castle, he runs, or glides, or stomps people in a green shoe. He has a run button so he can do crazy jumps and pick up shells and not overstay his welcome. Hell, most straight RPGs have the decency to give you a run option on the map Paladin's Quest excepted, of course) so why in this supposedly innovative game do I have to go to a menu screen to choose between running sorta fast and being able to pick shit up?! I guess I should be grateful I can't point the Wii remote at the screen for tips.

Those Mega 64 geniuses could make a great movie about this.




2 comments:

Sir Cucumber said...

big green shoe FTW!

alexis [kn0thing] said...

Why all the Cactrot-bashing?