the resigned gamer, everything I hate about the thing I love the most
Showing posts with label action. Show all posts
Showing posts with label action. Show all posts

Dust, an Elysian Tale: You speak to me. Please stop.

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 11:04 AM on Friday, May 8, 2015

I don't tend to take much stock in things I hear from talking rabbits, and haven't been able or interested to follow the plot of a tale told in Japstrionics since Akira, but Dust was a rodent I could relate to.

For I, too, contain a rage capable of immolating all injustice with a thousand rapid blows.

For I, too, contain an empathy capable of effacing all efforts with duty and guilt.

And for I, too, am inseparable from a high-pitched chorus always buzzing in my ear.

Also we both wish we were Princess Gwendolyn.



thanks to Dosala1 for capturing the game's best moment so well.

Dust: an Elysian Tale

Dark Souls: Bowling Alone

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 5:49 PM on Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Okay, so I finally finished Dark Souls, and uncharacteristically enough, I did indeed start over again immediately.

I enjoyed revisiting old friends and foes, and knowing now what I didn't then, I enjoyed killing them. But it grew stale and I realized whatever fun was to be had on a second play-thru had to mostly be in multiplayer.

So I doubled down on being uncharacteristic and took a tour of the covenants, none of which I'd bothered with on my first play-thru.

I tried the Forest Hunters first, who are summoned to protect the Darkroot Garden from pesky snow-mobilers (incidentally: the idea of wilderness does not need defenders, just some crazy wolf trees and bad-ass mushroom people) but quickly found that going up against someone with at least 10 health potions while I was allowed none wouldn't exactly be a fair fight.

So then I tried the Blade of the Darkmoon, and was summoned to a room not even a third the size of the forest, where two people were standing around waiting to pound me, not three steps away.

So I figured I'd just play through a bit more, level up, see the sights, finally use all that humanity I'd saved, and along came a pantsless guy in a turban, waving what looked to be a gigantic red turd in my general vicinity. He smooshed it into the ground, and I guess I must have died from the sheer stink of it. He bowed.

I thought about jumping through the hoops required to join the Darkwraiths, where at least the invasion occurs at a time and place of my choosing, rather than asshole waiting to farm me, but then what? Spend ten minutes running around looking for them, for maybe a thirty second fight?

I'm sure I could have tried a bit harder and a bit longer, but my impression of the people playing PVP was that they were all running one scam or another. And sure, I could have evened the odds a bit, used a talisman to prevent them from healing, joined the Gravelord Servants to push others into invasions, or I could have walked The Path of the Dragon, but that path is just too damn long. Seriously, that shit is like going all the way to Queens for a cheap taco and a handjob.

I suppose, like the people who write stupid or misleading messages all over the floor, if you don't enjoy fucking with people, then there just isn't much fun in it. If anything, I got a chance to step outside my anti-social, bitter self and remember exactly why I don't play well with others...Because they aren't worth playing with.

Solomon's Boneyard: Until you are dead.

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:49 PM on Monday, March 19, 2012

If I didn't know better, I'd think this game was some kind of sick joke. Locked in an ill-maintained cemetery after hours, scratching in the dirt for coins to unlock perks to help you find more coins to unlock perks to give you more rings to help you find more coins to unlock more perks to have better magic to prevent the ceaseless flood of undead from bumping-into-you-to-death for an extra 30 seconds this time. And then again.

No, the cemetery gate is not an unlockable perk.
Trying to remember the spell for jumping over fences...
Yes, I could have gotten all those perks sooner by paying a buck or two, but what fun would that have been? Seriously, who does that? A ceaseless horde of Walking Dead, you say? Thanks, I'll stay inside the gate.

Demon's Souls: tough but fair

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 10:28 AM on Tuesday, December 13, 2011

demon's souls goat face

GOAT!


I'd hoped that Demon's Souls would be a goldmine for this blog, rife with metaphor about frustration, imbalance, and loss, and I suppose it could have been if I'd just never played it.

It turns out we've become so accustomed to the coddling of games designed to smoothly progress from point A to point B to point Buy the Sequel that a little bit of learning curve seems daunting.
The problem isn't Demon's Souls...It's us. If you still haven't played it, you really should.

Below are my responses to some common reasons people cite when in angst or awe of this game's supposed outrageous difficulty:


If you die, you lose all your souls (spent on leveling and as money)

Retrace your steps to the bloodstain which appears about 5 seconds from where you were standing and you can have them back.

Also, you don't lose any items including the "canned souls" strewn about the game.


Lots of guys can kill you with one or two hits

Good thing you've got infinite continues! Lesson learned? See above.


At any time, other people can come into your game and kill you

Only other people at comparable levels, only one at a time, only in certain areas, and only while you are "alive" and they are "in soul form," meaning their hit points are halved. And if they don't succeed, they'll go down a level.

Oh and that whole "alive" thing...yeah it doesn't happen too often.


But I don't want to be in soul form! I've only got half my health!

Cling ring.

Or volunteer to help someone else kill a boss. Or go kill a boss yourself. Just keep stuffing watercress in your mouth and you'll be fine. Or use one of those magic rocks! Rare and valuable resource, you say? Pah, I've got 30 in my Thomas!

But seriously. Cling ring.


You can't pause!

"oh honey, I would love to look at those baby pictures with you, but you know this crazy game I'm playing won't let me pause! I told you about that right? Isn't it crazy?!?"



I think that just about covers it. True, there are some dick moves the game will pull, like making you struggle to earn magic swords you're not strong enough to wield, or letting Yurt the Silent Chief kill all your Nexus pals, but he likely won't take out anyone that important, and would anyone really miss this prick?

harumph!

And on the flip side, how many games give you experience points when bad guys fall off a cliff?

Batman Arkham Asylum: Batman Lives the Vida Loca

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 7:17 PM on Monday, July 18, 2011

When it came to picking a favorite superhero, my choice was always clear. There's nothing badass about saving the day when your only weakness is for shiny green gemstones, or when your tights are full of spooj. Bruce Wayne is just a regular super-genius ninja billionaire detective. Like you and me.

Batman is Everyman. He loves great books, long walks on the beach, and prostitutes...
But constantly climbing through ventilation shafts to spy on celebrity villains is just a little too commoner for how I like to envision the Dark Knight...

READ THIS OR ELSE THE VIDEO WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE...




Special thanks to my the YouTubers linked below, for stealing that which I stole from them:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exhNT2_bHs8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQd4eQ6Hby8&playnext=1&list=PL05F73D9C2F2B3B40

Ninja Gaiden: it takes balls not to climb the walls

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:07 AM on Monday, August 17, 2009

Ninja Gaiden, NES, motivational poster, resigned gamer
Courage is not fear's absence- that's arrogance. Courage is taking action in fear's presence. Courage does not require skill, nor scheme, nor success- only honest effort, and that's often the hardest thing to offer. But display even the smallest spark, and courage will set hearts afire. So come show us some.

Cabal: everybody has to win sometime

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:06 AM on Monday, April 20, 2009

cabal motivational poster, resigned gamer
There is so much wrong in the world that it’s easy to lose sight of why you spend each day struggling to put your little piece of it right, and people do each other so dirty that it’s hard to remember we’re all wallowing in the same shit. Though the smallest war touches more than all it’s combatants, the longest is still nothing but a series of battles. Mourn every loss, they hurt worse than wounds, but take time to recognize the victories as well. You never know how long you’ll have to go before another one comes along, and you can’t know how far you’ve come without looking back.

Punisher: The punch pulled is the most painful

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:06 AM on Monday, March 16, 2009

punisher motivational poster, resigned gamer
The only difference between defeat and hollow victory is the angle at which you can hold your head. Neither feel particularly satisfying nor deserved, and nothing is settled through either. The bested becomes insurgent, whilst the spoiled victor finds it becoming harder to sleep. Because something is only easy when someone is holding back, and surface tension only forms a foundation strong enough for fluff and insects. In the end it is resistance that generates traction. Leave tracks.


Thanks to kn0thing for giving me today's game. If you've got any ideas yourself, please leave them in the comments, or email us at resignedgamer@gmail.com

Kane and Lynch Hate You.

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:04 AM on Wednesday, March 11, 2009

video game design critique from the resigned gamer, manhunter

Kane and Lynch controls suck, resigned gamer

In case you can't read that text it says:

"Click and hold RS and push LS DOWNWARDS twice
to give a secondary weapon to Lynch."

Is there anything else that needs to be said?

Haiku for unlikely heroes

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:59 AM on Friday, February 20, 2009

video game haiku from the resigned gamer, solomon's key

If wisdom and experience show we can't triumph alone, what does it say about us that our video game protagonists do? How have so many stood successfully against armies with nothing but our fists, our wits, and our three lives? In this age of aim assist and resprays on every corner, it's easy to forget how fragile we once were. How fragile we still are.

SOLOMON'S KEY

oy gevalt my head
should not be used to break stones.
where's the aspirin?

solomon's key haiku
bought wand on clearance
it can only make boulders
store says no refund

solomon's key resigned gamer
hidden capital
better it be invested
higher ebitda

solomon's key running
cerebral people
prefer a nice puzzle game
klezmer adventure

solomon's key
tomb raiders these days
this lara croft and her guns
but my, what bosoms!

solomon's key tomb raider
Did you miss haiku Fridays? Well we stopped writing cause you stopped helping. That's right, it's your fault. All yours. No, no I'm not being a jewish mother. Go write me some.

Highway to Awesome!

Posted by Doomeru Woebashi at 8:26 AM on Wednesday, January 21, 2009

doomeru woebashi's soggy cardboard-covered exhaust grate, the resigned gamer

Okay, here we go again, another WWII FPS. Shooting Nazis, running through bombed-out European towns and planting the American flag to the sound of soaring instrumental music. But there's a twist: You won't win if you run and gun, you don't storm Normandy Beach, you've got to utilize fairly smart AI teammates, and for once I enjoyed just about every minute of it.

Brothers in Arms: Hell's Highway makes it clear from the start that you are meant to work in teams. Combat revolves around suppressing and flanking, and even in the early missions you'll eat lead if you aren't playing the way the designers want you to. If you stick with it, you'll settle into a nice groove: Spot an enemy platoon, set up one team behind cover to suppress the baddies, then leapfrog your teams toward the enemy until they are close enough to be killed with grenades. Alternatively, you can have multiple teams suppress the same enemy while you sneak around and kill them all yourself, but this can backfire, as often once one group of Nazis are killed another team spawns on top of where they were. You can also use your own grenades to flush Nazis from cover and there are few things more satisfying than watching a bunch of them run screaming their girlish German screams only to get shot up by your heavy gunner team.

brothers in arms, hells highway, resigned gamer

There are literally hundreds of Nazis hiding in this idyllic village.


What's so cool about this system to me is that your AI teammates do a very convincing job most of the time of acting like smart, but obedient partners. They shout at you to get behind cover if you are careless, they relay orders from you to each other, and once dug in behind solid cover they won't get themselves killed if you stop watching over them. In many ways this game operates more like a puzzle game than an FPS. You can think of your teams as pieces on a board that need to be moved to the right places and under the correct circumstances, with the solution always being to surmount an enemy position.

Your teams, whether machine gunners or bazookas, never run out of ammo and if some or all get killed, will magically respawn once you've reached a checkpoint, so you don't have to be too anal about protecting them. Your own character can pick up guns along the way but you're given so much ammo that it almost never matters. One less thing to stress about as you're taking down the Hun.

Things aren't all perfect of course. Pathfinding could be better. Every so often, your team will decide to take cover on the wrong side of a barrier and get absolutely shredded.


hells highway, taking cover, resigned gamer

Please just stay behind the conveniently-placed corrugated metal barrier.


The suppression system doesn't work both ways. The enemy can't pin you or your team down. In fact, your team can be getting shot at with mortars and still run straight toward certain death if you tell them too.

Enemies never try to overrun you when you and your team are dug in or even throw grenades. This really limits the challenge and a lot of fights degenerate into a kind of whack-a-mole contest with you waiting for an enemy to pop up from cover so you can kill him. This in particular is a real shame because allowing the enemies to outflank you would have intensified the combat and added a lot of pressure, similar to how sitting around in Gears of War will quickly get you killed.



brothers in arms, hells highway, hiding in cover

"You know, despite the heat of battle, I think we could just stay here together forever."


Although your team does a fine job pinning the enemy down, it seems the game designers really wanted you to do the dirty work of actually killing the enemies. Sure your bazooka team sometimes takes a few out in a blast, but more often than not it is just you and your M1 Garand laying them down.


brothers in arms, killin nazis, resigned gamer

Two more dead Nazis, comin' right up...


Did I mention all the Nazi troops scream like little girls? It's as if the Germans ran out of soldiers and had to turn to the Hitler Youth to make ends meet.

Happy Martin Luther King Day!

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:05 AM on Monday, January 19, 2009

On this momentous Martin Luther King Day, only hours away from the inauguration of President l33t, we should reflect on how far we have come, how far we have left to go, and how different things might have been if the Union hadn't been set to player one by default.


north and south, nes, long live dixie, resigned gamer
Happy MLK day, everyone. And remember: A house divided cannot stand.

River City Ransom: Rated E for Educational!

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:03 AM on Wednesday, January 7, 2009

river city ransom animation, punched in the head, resigned gamerThat’s how I feel these days. Initially because a gaping hole opened in the ceiling of my apartment and it flooded, twice, and I had to move back in with my parents. But now mostly because my kid brother keeps punching me in the back of the head.

I’ve tried to culture the lad by downloading a classic to his Wii every time I see him, but we’ve already gone through Mario, Balloon Fight, Sky Kid, Wrecking Crew, and Bubble Bobble, so it’s getting harder to find something 2-player that’s both edifying and age-appropriate.

My spirits lifted a bit when he asked if we could “get a shooter,” as apparently one of his friends’ dads has a Galaga cabinet. So I thought we’d grow some roots on him with a go at Space Harrier. I remember how awesome this revolutionary 3D shooter used to feel on my Sega Master System, but it hasn’t really held up so well. Kid Brother was un-moved by the graphics and frustrated at how the lack of decent perspective never shows how close the incoming bullets are. On the other hand, the resulting death wail from running Harrier Guy into a tree kept him entertained for a whole three minutes.


So we tried Forgotten Worlds. Doomeru and I got this Genesis game some Christmas past and it collected dust until we discovered that its impossible 1-life-and-1-life-only single player mode was balanced with an infinite continue 2-player mode (so long as you don’t die at the same time…). The automatic fire mode (turn it on and it literally never stops firing) gave me an automatic migraine, but Kid Brother observed that every time one of your muscle-bound flying freaks got hurt “it sounds like they're farting,” so we had a good time with that for a bit.


Last try for a shooter was Mega Man, which I described to Kid Brother’s glee as “Like Mario except you get a gun. Lots of guns.” But jesus christ fuck that game was hard, and I fear years from now the boy will be talking about those creepy flying drones in therapy.

mega man flying drone, resigned gamer
I'm in ur dreamz...hauntin them...

Thus River City Ransom. It’s beyond question classic, 2-player cooperative, requires resource management, and if the kid asked me why there were no guns I could point and say “look, that dude just said BARF!”

It’s been difficult convincing him that instead of joining me in face-to-face fisticuffs with some Squid he should sneak up from behind and bash them with a pipe, but I chalk that up to development of his group work skills. On the other hand, as testament to his above average quantitative proficiency, he’s very quickly grasped the concept of us killing each other before entering a boss screen to maximize our health, and converting cash into more stable investments such as pharmaceuticals and cheeseburgers.

The shopping process itself has raised great discussion points as well, such as when Kid Brother didn’t have enough money to buy a bottle of Recharge™, he skeptically objected to purchasing a cheaper item, saying, “why would taking something called ‘Date Saver’ increase your stamina and willpower?”


river city ransom, drug store, date saver recharge, resigned gamerWell I just don't know...Can you tell me which one of these will most improve my "kick?"

Unfortunately, because he didn’t let me do the talking like we’d previously agreed, I haven’t been able to convince his mom that this game is age-appropriate. When she asked what it was about, Kid Brother summed it up like so:

“Well, I think we’re trying to rescue my girlfriend, but mostly we beat people up for money to buy drugs. It’s fun.”



eewwww....

Elevator Action: Occam's Razor

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:05 AM on Monday, December 22, 2008

elevator action motivational poster, nes, keep it simple stupid, K.I.S.S., resigned gamer
Call it oversimplifying the past, but I believe we live in times vastly more complicated than any before. From our looming ecological crisis to our current economic one, from counter-terrorism strategies to sexual politics, the only things that have gotten easier are our video games.

As for myself, I work in newspapers. The space between ink and tubes, to be more exact. And amidst all the turmoil our readers and advertisers are struggling through, the business is changing faster than we ever feared. And despite what any smug observer might say, our trouble at digging out from under is not due to a lack of good ideas, but from too many. Package this with that, reverse publish it all and push it mobile, auctions, arbitrage, auto-bills, even pay-per-click!

But great grandpappy always said "keep it simple, stupid." Go out and sell what you've got. Serve the people that buy it. Keep them updated, good or bad. Educate them when necessary. Pay attention to detail. If you fuck up, own up, make it good, and don't do it again. Do your job well and the rest will follow. I believe this. I have to.

The Club: ur doin it wrong!

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:07 AM on Wednesday, December 3, 2008

the club, xbox 360, ps3, pc, sir cucumber's bitter corner, the resigned gamer

I work for a company that runs local newspaper sites around the country, and nearly half our visitors still use IE 6. We design accordingly. Seventy percent of our visitors come from search engines, almost most of which persist in going to Google and literally entering our URLs in the search box. We hate it, but know better than to try changing their bad behavior- only government is that dumb.


the club, resigned gamer, youtube ur doin it wrong

Going along to get along, and giving people what they want is a time-honored tradition amongst all forms of media, the video game industry not excluded. And it's not because we're a bunch of cowards- it's because it works.

Which is why titles like The Club don't come along every day. Albeit an unfinished product, The Club innovatively challenges gamers by forcing them to play the done-to-death 3rd person shooter in a completely non-intuitive, often frustrating manner. Like a Tolstoy or Kingsley Amis novel, The Club must be played for hours before it has any hope of being understood, much less enjoyed.


the club...ur doin it wrong! resigned gamer

As each event in The Club's killing olympics is based on score, and, above all, score is based on a combo multiplier that decreases increasingly faster as it grows, you must continue fragging without hesitation, but also space out the kills just enough to buoy the multiplier across distances and time trials.

In gameplay terms, this means actively unlearning everything you know about the shooter genre: instead of taking cover, you should take the hit. Instead of searching for secrets, you should search for the exit. Don't walk, or sneak, or crawl or jump or lean. Run. If you're not running, you should be sprinting. Don't reload between firefights- if you have time for that you're not getting in enough firefights. Shoot everyone that moves, but remember not to shoot them all at once.


wait! ur doin it wrong! resigned gamer

What often makes the difference between first and second place in an event is memorizing the location of combo-boost skulls hidden throughout the level, disciplining yourself not to blast them until the right moment, and recognizing when that moment is. You'll get a certain number of "attempts" in each event, and should expect to use most if not all of them, even if you can make it through on the first try. Believe me, the satisfaction of deriving and honing a routine, and then flawlessly executing it like some kind of dusted figure skater is worth the repetition.

In later stages you'll balance the use of attempts for practice against hedging your bets on the likelihood you'll be killed, which is especially fun five events into a tournament and struggling to claw your way past second place. Do you play it safe and go for the silver, or risk losing your last attempt and thus the entire tournament?


the club...ur doin it right! resigned gamer

Sure they cut corners. The Club lacks sufficient difference between events and characters. It squanders the opportunity to create rewarding and succinct tournament storylines, like Tekken or Twisted Metal. Characters never interact or directly compete with each other, and you can't punch people. But this could all be rectified with a sequel, and The Club truly deserves one.

If you haven't expanded your horizons for mindless killing yet, I recommend you do so.


video game criticism...ur doin it wrong! resigned gamer

River City Ransom: Kidnapped? You'll have to take a personal day for that.

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:05 AM on Monday, October 13, 2008


river city ransom, a smile is free, motivational mondays, the resigned gamer
I know it sucks. It sucks for us all. But that doesn't mean you've lost your pride. You'll find that wherever you put it last, and if you choose to leave it at home then that's on you. Personally, I find bringing it along helps the day go by faster. Watching the clock certainly doesn't. Would you like fries with that, sir?

Haiku for the shepherds

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:12 AM on Friday, May 30, 2008

video game haiku from the resigned gamer

At times we all must put our faith in a higher power, be it ethereal, corporeal, or corporate, deserving or not. For the whole is greater than the sum of its parts- though some parts greater than others- and faced with troubling tasks we look to leaders, be they beatific or beastly, and hope for the best.


And when the tide subsides we return to our nasty, brutish ways, living like our lives were as short as our collective memory. Sometimes I wonder whether there'd be less heroes and martyrs if such people considered who they were offering themselves up for. But then again I'm no hero. And certainly no martyr.


This week's haiku go out to our betters.


ACTRAISER

have faith in the lord

we can has prosperity
talk with poor grammar



angel overhead
urban planning director
scourge of giant bats


economic growth
is hindered by giant bats
prevent recession



just because you can
does not follow that you should

unless it is fun


progress requires

unfertilized embryos

i like omelettes


heavy weighs the crown
people are frail and foolish
vegetation dense


no good unpunished
look what they did to jesus
don't be a prophet


Dead Rising: Too sexy for your zombies

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:34 AM on Monday, May 19, 2008

sir cucumber's bitter corner, the resigned gamer

I don’t do well on deadline. And it’s not that I blow them- it’s because I’m compulsively early. The prick who dropped his final exam on the desk in a half hour and walked out, the jerk two cubicles over who always beats you to work, the tweak sitting alone at the bar without a drink constantly checking his Treo every two minutes after the top of the hour- I’m that guy.

So put me in a richly easter egg-laden sandbox with time-sensitive missions and I’m not gonna come out with much sand in my shoes.

But I’m also a reporter. It runs in my blood. So, after getting confirmation from three FAQ sources, I reconciled my neurosis with the story’s need for local color:

The amount of non case-related people you rescue has no affect on the plot or ending, and you earn experience points up front for simply convincing them to follow you. So, unless they could be carried on my back, I promised salvation, handed over something heavy to swing, and left them for dead.

I used the time saved to discover these outstanding outfits!


And after a hard day of shopping, I was still able to show up for plot-relevant scoops with time to spare!


We also found some other great Dead Rising YTMND's you should check out:

Ratchet & Clank - Size Matters: Supersize me...

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 6:39 AM on Wednesday, April 16, 2008

sir cucumber's bitter corner, the resigned gamer
Ratchet's not out to expand your gaming horizons with high-falutin open sandbox stealthy jumpy time-reversey space-shifting plot-twisting ellipsestic soliloquy. He provides a palatable product, whose quality consumers can depend upon to remain consistent and readily deliverable, regardless of iteration or environment, with kitschy unlockables, at good value, for the entire family. Like a Happy Meal. He's less the bipedal rodent with which you'd discuss Nietzsche's Birth of Tragedy than the one you dial for a 4 am booty call.

The guy's no Sly Cooper, but Ratchet never disappoints. Except, of course, that the camera's about as cooperative as an epileptic on an anime binge until you figure out how to activate auto-strafing.

One thing I cannot condone, though, is the underhanded way they've greased you through since part 2 by rewarding repeated deaths with additional experience and money. Even worse than Puzzle Quest, Ratchet's implied lack of consequences will surely leave a lasting impact on the development of America's fat children into fat adults.

But we all have our guilty pleasures and secret vices. And for a man with such hording, miserly inclinations as myself, there are almost no more satisfying in-game moments than performing a wrench stomp, in a room full of crates, with a bolt magnet. It's something I'd gladly die to do again.


thanks for the photo, mom.

Final Golden Sunset Timberdukesons

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 3:31 PM on Wednesday, April 9, 2008

video game commentary from the resigned gamer, timber, final fight, simpsons, golden axe, duke nukem

Doomeru:
what was that arcade we'd hit, that had the shooter where you rode in the mine cart?
Doomeru: it also had ridge racer and the hologram game

Sir Cucumber: that was the bridgewater arena
Sir Cucumber: and still exists

Doomeru: wow, no wai

Sir Cucumber: well remember it was an ice hockey rink
Sir Cucumber: god knows what it has now
Sir Cucumber: probably just cowboys of moo mesa

Doomeru: good game
Doomeru: i mean, any game would be good with the sunset riders format
Doomeru: hmm, what else could you shoehorn into that?

Sir Cucumber: timber.

Doomeru: with the bees?

Sir Cucumber: you'd just walk to the right
Sir Cucumber: and hack people's knees with your axe
Sir Cucumber: and then push them
Sir Cucumber: the first boss would be the shift boss
Sir Cucumber: chompin his cigar

Doomeru: marry me wif mah cigarz

Sunset Riders, Timber, Resigned Gamer
Sir Cucumber: and it would go straight downhill from there
Sir Cucumber: then you'd have to fight robots
Sir Cucumber: and chicks with whips
Sir Cucumber: a couple guys that look like andre the giant

Doomeru: and a guy that can occasionally block, just to mess with you

Sir Cucumber: but not if you only hit him once
Sir Cucumber: when he walks onto your plane
Sir Cucumber: and then walked away, repeating the process until he died

Final Fight, Timber, Resigned Gamer
Doomeru: we'd need a subway level

Sir Cucumber: and a guy on roller skates

Doomeru: would there be a baby lumberjack in a lumberjack droid suit?

Sir Cucumber: he would be the robot level boss

Doomeru: also need pyro. cause you know, for fags

Sir Cucumber: nah you could just have magic lumberjack buttlove power like when marge and homer stared at each other.

Simpsons, Timber, Resigned Gamer
Sir Cucumber: why would they be fighting?

Doomeru:
oh someone stole their trees.

Sir Cucumber:
no one steals our trees...

Doomeru:
and lives!

Sir Cucumber:
it’s time to kick ass and cut trees
Doomeru:
and i'm all outa trees.........

Sir Cucumber:
oh, no, there's another one, just sprouted up out of
the ground.

Sir Cucumber: let me get that
Sir Cucumber: ok
Sir Cucumber: now i'm allll out of treees......

Duke Nukem 3D, Timber, Resigned Gamer
Sir Cucumber: do you think they could jump, or just shove?

Doomeru: just shove.
Doomeru:
and you’d have to steal beef jerky from elves to replenish your health.

Sir Cucumber: So basically it would be golden axe without jumping, running, kicking, throwing, or riding animals and you could only use the dwarf.

Doomeru: yeah.

Sir Cucumber: okay.
Golden Axe, Timber, Resigned Gamer