the resigned gamer, everything I hate about the thing I love the most

Dark Souls: Bowling Alone

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 5:49 PM on Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Okay, so I finally finished Dark Souls, and uncharacteristically enough, I did indeed start over again immediately.

I enjoyed revisiting old friends and foes, and knowing now what I didn't then, I enjoyed killing them. But it grew stale and I realized whatever fun was to be had on a second play-thru had to mostly be in multiplayer.

So I doubled down on being uncharacteristic and took a tour of the covenants, none of which I'd bothered with on my first play-thru.

I tried the Forest Hunters first, who are summoned to protect the Darkroot Garden from pesky snow-mobilers (incidentally: the idea of wilderness does not need defenders, just some crazy wolf trees and bad-ass mushroom people) but quickly found that going up against someone with at least 10 health potions while I was allowed none wouldn't exactly be a fair fight.

So then I tried the Blade of the Darkmoon, and was summoned to a room not even a third the size of the forest, where two people were standing around waiting to pound me, not three steps away.

So I figured I'd just play through a bit more, level up, see the sights, finally use all that humanity I'd saved, and along came a pantsless guy in a turban, waving what looked to be a gigantic red turd in my general vicinity. He smooshed it into the ground, and I guess I must have died from the sheer stink of it. He bowed.

I thought about jumping through the hoops required to join the Darkwraiths, where at least the invasion occurs at a time and place of my choosing, rather than asshole waiting to farm me, but then what? Spend ten minutes running around looking for them, for maybe a thirty second fight?

I'm sure I could have tried a bit harder and a bit longer, but my impression of the people playing PVP was that they were all running one scam or another. And sure, I could have evened the odds a bit, used a talisman to prevent them from healing, joined the Gravelord Servants to push others into invasions, or I could have walked The Path of the Dragon, but that path is just too damn long. Seriously, that shit is like going all the way to Queens for a cheap taco and a handjob.

I suppose, like the people who write stupid or misleading messages all over the floor, if you don't enjoy fucking with people, then there just isn't much fun in it. If anything, I got a chance to step outside my anti-social, bitter self and remember exactly why I don't play well with others...Because they aren't worth playing with.