the resigned gamer, everything I hate about the thing I love the most

I’m fucking Napoleon. I’ve got a fucking horse!

Posted by Doomeru Woebashi at 8:29 AM on Wednesday, October 15, 2008

doomeru woebashi's soggy cardboard-covered exhaust grate, the resigned gamer


I think this title says it all. Do you want to step into the boots of the ultimate revolutionary? Are you ready to experience the real Napoleon, the Napoleon who beat Wellington and never suffered from gout? The Napoleon that only the exalted Gameboy Advance platform could deliver?

Play this game, or the guy in the epaulets dies.

I sure hope so. After last week’s surprisingly popular post on Advance Wars, I felt it was time to give everyone some perspective on what a real tactics game is supposed to be like. Sure, Advance Wars is challenging, with meticulously balanced units, tried-and-true turn-based gameplay, attractive art, convenience-inducing options, and all that rot. You’ll just have to forget all that when you play Napoleon, yessir. This is real time strategy, buster, and you have to get your hands dirty. In the real world we don't take any namby pamby turns!

If you want your troops to attack or move somewhere, you’re just going to have to ride out to them in person and tell them yourself. Napoleon always preferred face-to-face communication. And you can forget about selecting multiple units for a coordinated attack. Sure, you can attach ground units to cavalry, but you’ll still have to command them one at a time to do so.


If only these soldiers had listened to me...

Victory, of course, comes down to getting four of your weakest, slowest, cheapest units to sneak into your opponent’s base in order to steal their red flags, replacing them with more Napoleonic blue ones.


Onward, Redecorators!

This game is definitely an odd bird. I bet you never knew Napoleon employed a crack team of interior decorators, or temporarily enhanced the strength of nearby forces by shouting “Allez!” I’m hopeful this writeup will add something to your Wednesday. As opposed to the games you won’t go out and buy after Yahtzee reviews them, you probably never would have even heard of Napoleon, unless someone else out there is into importing obscure GBA games that only ever got released in Japan or France. I played it on an emulator using a fan translation, but obviously I can’t recommend anyone go that route. At least Napolean never talked to God, right?


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

"As opposed to the games you won’t go out and buy after Yahtzee reviews them, you probably never would have even heard of Napolean"

No, I've heard of NAPOLEON, though.

Doomeru Woebashi said...

Oh snap! Thanks for pointing that out. I'll make the correction now. Also, of course I was referring to Napoleon the game, not the man