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Breaking News: Batshit Violence Virus spreading on Staten Island?

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 6:11 AM on Wednesday, March 5, 2008

video game news from the resigned gamer, condemned, xbox 360
Islanders might want to pack their tasers before leaving for work today, and not engage neighbors carrying blunt objects in conversation.

As seen in this shocking video, mass bird deaths have been reported recently at points around the borough, coinciding with a high incidence of brutal quality-of-life crimes.

Flanked by police, fire, and health and human service officials at a St. George press conference today, Borough President James P. Molinaro encouraged Islanders to remain vigilant but not overreact.

"If it's terrorists doing this we'll hit them hard," Molinaro said. "But we should leave the beatings to our qualified law enforcement people. I assure you that our brave first responders, who lost so many of their own on 9/11, are working to keep us safe."

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Islanders are encouraged to avoid areas with a high incidence of graffiti,
and to use block to their advantage.

Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said police are awaiting autopsy results to determine the birds' cause of death. Kelly declined to comment on whether the wave of avian fatalities had any relation to peacock mauler John Potts, or Robert "rooster stomper" Johnson, saying only the investigation was ongoing.

But Staten Island Advance Editor Brian J. Laline, whose local paper unlocked the coveted Golden Bird Achievement Award last year for tirelessly mapping the location of every dead bird found on the island, believes the corpses are connected to a similar phenomenon that gripped neighboring Metro City in 2005.

Golden Bird Achievement Award, presented to Staten Island Advance editorial board December 12, 2005

"Everyone in the city started hiding in broken down department stores and beating each other with two-by-fours and mannequin arms," Laline said. "Our sources tell us FBI agents contained the incident, but were unable to determine its cause, as the plot made about as much sense as an episode of Lost, and was far less interesting."

Laline said the Advance will conduct their own investigation into the past events of Metro City.

"I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I believe there's something the federal government is not telling us," Laline said. "How many more mailboxes and bus shelters are going to have to be vandalized before the truth comes out?"