the resigned gamer, everything I hate about the thing I love the most

F.E.A.R.: I might be scared if I weren't so fucking confused

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:05 AM on Wednesday, September 3, 2008

sir cucumber's bitter corner, the resigned gamer

Okay, so it turns out that the other crazy dude was my crazy dude's brother and our crank ho mother was fifteen when she gave birth to us in some defense contractor's haunted genetics lab before getting locked up, naked, in an observation chamber to gnaw on chicken bones for the next twenty-odd years while her estranged sons pursued careers in civil service.

One guy within the company felt the aforementioned "project" could bring about unfavorable media coverage if made public, or perhaps cause one of the crazy dudes to take telepathic control of the company's highly-trained clone army in search of vengeance, so he called about 27 of his closest work associates to express his concerns. Unfortunately they'd all left work early to enjoy the long Labor Day weekend and didn't get the message. But, fortunately, this also caused the building to be deserted of innocent bystanders when crazy evil dude's clone army stormed it that Monday...all except for some frigid ladder-climbing-bitch-with-no-life-outside-her-career and a sys-ops coordinator who was taking advantage of the company's T3 connection to play World of Warcraft.

Tell me to read the fucking manual again. Go on. See what happens.

I was a little confused about F.E.A.R.'s storyline at first, but the game's final stages set me straight, thanks to a string of well-placed answering machines and non-password protected laptops with very impressive battery life. Taken all together, it actually made for an interesting premise. I just hesitate to say whether 15 minutes of story-related dialogue crammed into the end of a game can be called a "plot."