the resigned gamer, everything I hate about the thing I love the most

Rock Band: Please, Sam, don't play it again.

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 8:02 AM on Wednesday, August 13, 2008

sir cucumber's bitter corner, the resigned gamer

If there is one thing high school children enjoy more than the undeserved worship of pop stars, it's publicly humiliating their peers. So it was only natural synergy for MTV to get together with their frenemies Harmonix and EA to create Rock Band.

I expected nothing from this plastic monstrosity and thus was not disappointed- only annoyed.

Because I don't need an overpriced simulator to tell me I can't sing or play drums- I knew that already. The only purpose I can fathom is reminding my friends and family that I can't sing or play drums, both being facts which, in the absence of recent efforts, I was hoping they'd forget. Fortunately, since dropping out of high school (and earning my college degree), I've become old enough to drink. Otherwise I'd be left with no other coping method than slitting my wrists, which becomes far less attractive an option when one owns furniture and pays a security deposit.

rock band, the resigned gamerfuck you, Harmonix. fuck all of you.

But more importantly I can play guitar, and- at least I used to- enjoy doing so. Then I began playing more Guitar Hero than guitar until the first iteration's Expert difficulty put both my arms in splints and I retired from rockstardom. I had no intention of playing Rock Band but my housemate, who has previously demonstrated his purchasing wisdom, coughed up the down payment for this waste of space and, knowing it meant he'd probably end up having to deduct it from his share of the rent, I agreed to play along.

Which is where the annoyance sets in: How does a company acquire the developer of a critically acclaimed guitar controller, remade multiple times for multiple systems, and fuck up the guitar? Why, after all this time, does it suddenly feel like I'm wanking on a flap of wet cardboard? The white flicky stick should be clicky, not cunty. Is that so much to ask? And, while I'm at it, I didn't ask for five more fret buttons that did the same damn thing as the other five fret buttons. This strikes me as a manifestation of the rather high school or house of representatives inclination towards feeling good before doing good.

And I don't know if the PS3 or 360 versions have anything like this, or if anyone other than my housemate is casual-douche enough to buy it for the Wii, but can someone please explain the constantly blinking wireless receptor plugin? For what reason does my living room contain a flashing blue light that can only be extinguished by ripping it from the back of the console? Is it supposed to make me feel like I have pyrotechnics or something? Because it doesn't.