the resigned gamer, everything I hate about the thing I love the most

Our Imaginary Friends: Kid Icarus

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 10:01 AM on Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Some video game characters just have it harder than others.

Some guys get the chain gun. Others get a quiver of limp dick arrows with a range of two yards.

Some guys earn agility upgrades that allow them to leap tall buildings in a blase' sandbox bound. Others have to be careful not to duck on the wrong surface or cause the screen to scroll up too fast or they'll plummet inches to their doom despite having a pair of wings on their back.

Some guys hit checkpoints every thirty seconds. Others must settle for unlimited chances to die.

Some guys chew mouthfuls of Oxycontin and growl "the pills will ease the pain." Others take half a mercy second of blinking invulnerability while squealing like a stuck pig.

Some guys come with personalized skin tones and downloadable content. Others inexplicably change their hair color to progressively more painful shades of fuchsia with each passing stage.

Some guys wield flaming dual blades on chains and fuck twins in steam baths. Others collect floating red mallets they can't figure out how to use and are careful to avoid the flaming lava pits in every store they can't reenter, assuming said store isn't actually a flying nose goblin trap.

We've all got our rocks to push. Some just have bigger boulders or steeper slopes. Is it fair? Is it right? It simply is.

I just thank the gods every day that there are more nazis, mobsters, and headcrabs in this world than eggplant wizards.

kid icarus, south park, the resigned gamer
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