the resigned gamer, everything I hate about the thing I love the most

Luxor is for pooping

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 1:07 PM on Monday, June 25, 2007

sir cucumber's bitter corner, the resigned gamerAfter over 20 years of gaming I’ve learned to discriminate. To discern the cream of the crap from the shit. I’ve come to follow very stringent criteria when selecting new games:

1) Can I get it used?

2) Is the box art free of Japanese schoolgirls, screaming epilepsy fits, or other implications of wide-mouthed, googly-eyed, Dragon Ball Z type tripe?

3) If it involves league sports, can I use turbo or punch people in the face?

4) Did Gamespot give it a rating of Mediocre or above?

And I award my own special tilt factor for

5) Could I play it on the toilet at work?

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I got Luxor cracked from Doomeru, so that blew #1 out of the water. It’s Egyptian puzzler theme leapfrogged past #2 and #3, and, to my heart’s burning anticipation, only just missed a Gamespot rating of Fair.

So you can imagine what a great, satisfying release I get fromapplying Luxor to #5. After being outwitted by zombies for all my uncaffeinated commute, nothing unclenches the bowels like locking myself in the bathroom and matching colored balls like a gifted pre-schooler.

Doomeru’s girlfriend (yes, we have girlfriends. We’re not that kind of gamer) says it’ll start getting hard around level 14-2. Just finishing 7-6 myself, I can only imagine what a satisfying and thorough dump that will be.

Sure, it’s not as classy as a quicksave in Advance Wars, Battles of Prince of Persia, or Age of Empires. But it also lacks the puritanical meanness of an irrevocable death in the autosaving Fire Emblem and the constipated movements of EXIT. Plus it loads pretty fast for a PSP game and the developers apparently were so ashamed of their work that they don't make you sit through a single self-indulgent logo screen.

Luxor is an absolute craptastic must-buy.

And at $30 new, it comes cheaper than 12 rolls of institutional toilet paper.

1 comments:

Doomeru said...

Luxor is definitely for buying. Teh pooping and teh cracking