In Lost Planet without a map: Part One

O Lost Planet. How hard it is to love you. Things started off so well when we met at E3. You charmed me with your white snowy tundras, your smokey explosions, even your clumsy Snow Pirates. How innocent I was to think you were the reason to plunk down $400 on an Xbox 360.

It all boils down to the bosses in this game. Running around the cold killing flying Acrid aliens and Pirates is actually pretty fun, so long as you don't try to jump or stray too far off the beaten path. The problem comes when you get to a boss, and it ends up being an overpowered big bad guy who can do whatever it wants and you can't run or take cover anywhere. I'd really like to know why I'm fighting this big pink mech that has a smoke screen and unlimited missiles and no discernible attack pattern, and I have to scramble around to get into a fallen-over mech before she destroys me, but in the process she's damaging the mech before I can even get into it.

Did I mention the main character's name was Wayne? And when you're running around and decide you want to invert Y-axis or adjust aim sensitivity the game DOESN'T FRIGGING PAUSE and instead just blocks the screen with a big menu that you have to navigate while all the while poor Wayne's precious T. Engine is running out of heat.

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So back to that boss: every time you die, you restart right in front of the mech, and she's already shooting at you. A smart person would dash for the mech and get in and go, but it doesn't really work that well. The same button that gets you into the mech also picks up weapons, including any weapons attached to the mech. So, run for the mech, accidentally detach the rocket launcher, get shot, get into the mech, waste time attaching the rocket launcher, get shot, then with half your health left figure out a way to beat the pink mech. Phew.

Everyone, bosses included, shoots Wayne when he's down, which I've begun to take personally as I move along in Lost Planet. All the explosions and insanity might actually be exciting if the controls were better. Any success I have against these odds isn't due to any innate videogame skill so much as to being good at working around Lost Planet's bullshit limitations.

Did I mention the hero's name was Wayne?

And one other thing, to put things in perspective for the people at Capcom who made this game. This is a real mech.



That's a Timber Wolf. It weighs 75 tons and it's as tall as a building. That jackass with the broken helmet next to it is what Wayne looks like to me in his pansy-ass "Vital Suit." This isn't even my favorite Battletech model, but it could still stomp anything in Lost Planet plus Robocop without even slowing down.