the resigned gamer, everything I hate about the thing I love the most

Hoshigami Ruining Blue Earth Remix: Ruining my commute

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 10:55 AM on Tuesday, December 18, 2007

sir cucumber's bitter corner, the resigned gamerIf anyone actually read this blog, they might notice a trend in the games I choose to play. Not simply bargain basement last-generation leftovers that make me want to do violence to myself and those around me, but bargain basement last-generation leftover turn-based strategy games that make me want to do violence to myself and those around me.

I don't do this because I particularly like the genre, but because I refuse to play a game that requires the use of both my hands when on the subway or toilet.

Hoshigami meets this criteria and my other strict standards in spades, but if DS cards were a little wider and any more absorbent I'd sooner wipe my ass with it than grunt and heave over this crap another second.

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For starters, it takes the single-most valuable aspect of turn-based games- the fact that you don't have to pay attention to them every single second like a toddler that enjoys eating paint chips- and replaces it with having to push a button at the right moment for any attack to do more than 1 hp of damage.

eating paint chips, the resigned gamer
Sometimes I wish he'd never been born...

And as long as your eyes are glued to this inanity why not make every single animation unskippable? And after every action you should have to sit through not just one display of experience points gained but two. And enemies should earn experience points too. Both kinds!

And when it's finally your turn again there's no need for a quick save. This not-plot-related battle should only take another 45 minutes, and anyway that's what DS sleep mode is for.

And when one of your mercenaries fall, you should be faced with the choice of waiting through 20 unskippable rounds to recharge your single magic resuscitation coin or hiring a new soldier and raising them up from level 1 in the Tower of Trials. Everyone loves grinding, and leaving your friends for dead will make it high-stakes, just like Fire Emblem. Except with unreasonably large levels. And no quick saves. And unskippable animations. And paint chips...