the resigned gamer, everything I hate about the thing I love the most

Panzer Tactics DS: Not unlike an IKEA instruction manual

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 9:08 AM on Monday, May 5, 2008

sir cucumber's bitter corner, the resigned gamer
As a self-hating Jew who always played North & South as the Confederacy, Panzer Tactics DS distinguished itself as the only game I know of that lets you play as the Nazis. Their units have unintelligible names like Fallschirmjager, and Sturmtruppen, they wear grey, and the commander is swaggering and smarmy. The levels, I presume, come from early battles they won, but if this game can in fact make any claims to accuracy I wonder how history’s course of events might have unfolded if the Germans hadn’t given their troops such a piss poor useless tutorial.

I'm a Nazi? Wheeee!

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The hexagonal grid-based combat makes it impossible to play this game without a stylus- ever try Q*bert on the SNES? But once I got over grumbling about that it played relatively fast. After I figured out what the fuck was going on, that is.

Combat rules play like a hybrid of Advance Wars and Fire Emblem, which is to say it’s Advance Wars minus the smooth and Fire Emblem minus the christ-I-fucking-hate-you.

Units gain experience and follow you through the game, giving you incentive to keep them alive, but for that League of Nations twist, every level also includes a few “expendable” troops (Lose a certain amount of “core” units and the mission fails).

The cryptic Advance Wars mission grading system is replaced with one based solely on turns. Your money also must be stretched through the entire campaign.

Instead of healing and restocking on city spaces, each unit can use it's turns- and your funds- to maintain itself. Planes have limited ammo but unlimited fuel.

Different terrain affects vehicles and infantry stats differently.

Any ground unit can capture a city, and do so on the same turn they enter it, and adjacent artillery can support other units when attacked.

Oh and also there’s a next-unit button!

Apparently it was a total disappointment in multiplayer, but your computer opponents are wiley, and when I'm interested in playing with others I visit online dating sites.