the resigned gamer, everything I hate about the thing I love the most

Stolen: it ought to be a crime

Posted by Sir Cucumber at 9:45 PM on Friday, August 31, 2007

sir cucumber's bitter corner, the resigned gamerLots of people liked sneaking around in the dark with Splinter Cell, but they also enjoyed jumping and tumbling with the Prince of Persia, so surely they’d love a game that let them do both at the same time.

And people like playing grizzled black-operatives and sardonic, emotionally troubled royalty, but what they really want in a video game character is Lara Croft jubblies.

So by rights Stolen should have been a masterpiece- the crowning achievement of the now-bankrupt publishing firm that brought us Garfield and Jackie Chan Adventures.

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marketers make games, the resigned gamerI think we've got some very marketable synergies here, Susan,
but can't we give her more cleavage?

Except the amount of money they must have paid some Swedish interactive entertainment media consultants to brainstorm this ingenious mash-up required them to cut some corners on development:

The first thing to go was Sam Fisher and the Prince’s witty banter. But neither one of them had a nice pair of tits, did they?

Copy the Prince’s motions for running up a wall, but skip the actually awesome parts where he runs across it.

And replace a silenced pistol and automatic sniper rifle with repeatedly punching people until they fall asleep.

This last part is actually forgivable, given the fat bumbling security guards all seem to have Predator vision. I often found myself so frustrated and apathetic about it I’d opt for a punch-punch-punch-and-run strategy instead of bothering with the intended stealthy approach. This worked unsurprisingly well.

Thus, always with the fusion of popular themes, Stolen even manages to merge the difficulty levels of “I am death incarnate” and “you-couldn't-lose-if-you-were-retarded-and-a-girl.”

Did I mention you get boobs?


alexis [kn0thing] said...

So you're saying I should get this game? That jubblies picture alone almost convinced me, until I realized I was still waiting for Duke Nukem Forever.

But how does it measure up to Garfield?

Sir Cucumber said...

Take my copy. please.