The Resigned Gamer

Red Faction, Guerilla: putting the fun back in martyrdom

2012-01-17T00:03:00.000-05:00

You know how in Sandbox games, no matter how much chaos you cause and people you kill, the cops lose interest once a mission is completed?

Red Faction Guerilla is no different when it comes to missions, but not during the aimless property destruction required to unlock those missions.

This leads the Mars occupiers to employ ruthless asymmetry against window smashers, and go to lunch while their barracks burn, but more importantly, committing acts of petty sedition produces the most accurate simulation of an insurgency campaign ever played:

You don't go into these attacks expecting to come out alive and seldom do. All that matters is hurting the target, and there is no shortage of (strangely similar looking) people who'll die to do it. Morale does not improve as control wanes, and after the army is forced to withdraw from an area it becomes overrun by truckloads of gibbering savages who'd been hiding out in the mountains.

Ooh, I wonder if he'll vote for the moderate party!

Demon's Souls: tough but fair

2011-12-13T10:28:00.005-05:00

GOAT!

I'd hoped that Demon's Souls would be a goldmine for this blog, rife with metaphor about frustration, imbalance, and loss, and I suppose it could have been if I'd just never played it.

It turns out we've become so accustomed to the coddling of games designed to smoothly progress from point A to point B to point Buy the Sequel that a little bit of learning curve seems daunting.
The problem isn't Demon's Souls...It's us. If you still haven't played it, you really should.

Below are my responses to some common reasons people cite when in angst or awe of this game's supposed outrageous difficulty:

If you die, you lose all your souls (spent on leveling and as money)

Retrace your steps to the bloodstain which appears about 5 seconds from where you were standing and you can have them back.

Also, you don't lose any items including the "canned souls" strewn about the game.

Lots of guys can kill you with one or two hits

Good thing you've got infinite continues! Lesson learned? See above.

At any time, other people can come into your game and kill you

Only other people at comparable levels, only one at a time, only in certain areas, and only while you are "alive" and they are "in soul form," meaning their hit points are halved. And if they don't succeed, they'll go down a level.

Oh and that whole "alive" thing...yeah it doesn't happen too often.

But I don't want to be in soul form! I've only got half my health!

Cling ring.

Or volunteer to help someone else kill a boss. Or go kill a boss yourself. Just keep stuffing watercress in your mouth and you'll be fine. Or use one of those magic rocks! Rare and valuable resource, you say? Pah, I've got 30 in my Thomas!

But seriously. Cling ring.

You can't pause!

"oh honey, I would love to look at those baby pictures with you, but you know this crazy game I'm playing won't let me pause! I told you about that right? Isn't it crazy?!?"

I think that just about covers it. True, there are some dick moves the game will pull, like making you struggle to earn magic swords you're not strong enough to wield, or letting Yurt the Silent Chief kill all your Nexus pals, but he likely won't take out anyone that important, and would anyone really miss this prick?

harumph!

And on the flip side, how many games give you experience points when bad guys fall off a cliff?

Happiness is a warm spittled gun

2011-12-05T22:03:00.001-05:00

Holiday shopping for Doomeru Jr. today, I came across the gift no infant should go without this season:

And it's organic!

Here's the link. Better get yours fast, it was a recent Etsy favorite!

Me, I'm going with the Super Mushroom teether. Double baby's size or your money back...if mushroom turns purple remove from child's mouth immediately and proceed to nearest hospital.

Red Dead Redemption: Rawhide

2011-12-04T10:30:00.001-05:00

giddy up...please, god, just giddy up...

There are two reasons why smart young African American men like CJ Johnson become carjacking criminals, and they have nothing to do with 400 years of historical oppression or an inherently biased socioeconomic system: It’s because most jobs are not feasible via mass transit, and all other means of transportation available require constant mashing of the accelerator button.

Do we see illegal aliens straining their fingers this way? No sir. Yet now, when it comes to putting honest American family men like John Marston back to work, we require them to rely on this same method, even after it’s proven to cause repetitive-stress injuries and the commission of felonies? For so called “Realism?” I can see a rather European type of “ism” but it isn’t the one that begins with “real!” Holding down the button was good enough to simulate equine gait stimulation in GUN, and the approach is just as strong today.

Are there no depths of depravity to which you won’t sink, Rockstar? Not if I have anything to say about it! God bless my loyal listeners, and God bless America.

Red Dead Redemption, Undead Nightmare: Occam's Gayzor

2011-12-03T21:15:00.003-05:00

I’d really love to know what inspired Rockstar to make the jump from Western to Zombies in this DLC. It was ingenious how well it fit, and so complementary of their signature satirical humor.

Even though the amount of repetitiveness between missions was more than usual, I had to play through if only to learn what caused the dead to walk amongst us in a tableau of irrevocable pain, misery and fear. I know, I know, Rockstar isn’t generally known for their gripping storylines and it’s really not supposed to matter why…Zombie Apocalypse is an inevitable given; The important questions lie with how the living choose to live, morality, humanity, practicality, and such…But hell with all that, the reason I couldn’t put this game down was because I needed to know how it would end.

The simplest, most logical explanation always gives good odds though, and in hindsight I really could have guessed. It was those damned Mexicans again!

Alpha Protocol: Agency

2011-11-12T22:09:00.000-05:00

Are we what we do, or doing what we are?

To what extent are we born blank slates, becoming only what we know?

Most doors never really close. Even at the end we can turn it all around,
but an asp must be an asp, and we remain, as ever, animals.

We like to think it is choice that sets us apart,
but we do what we must and despite the details, it always ends the same.
Nevertheless, it's those details that make our lives our own. Live well.

Colorful Goo: my new painting blog

2011-10-28T13:57:00.003-04:00

I've been somewhat at a loss for words, recently. Most of what I've got has been siphoned off into writing Business School applications. I've started a new project, taking close-up photographs of my paintings, and would love you guys to check it out.

Colorful Goo on Blogspot
Colorful Goo on Flickr

Osmos: this too shall pass

2011-10-24T12:59:00.000-04:00

Worlds turn, men survey what's theirs to burn, ants make war and die, cells multiply, mutate, divide; everything is in motion, but not always at speeds we can perceive.

Floating in directions forged by others foregone, heaved off and hurled into a void of possibilities, none of us are on equal footing, but all adrift.

Entropy is everywhere, but disorder opportune. The insignificant become part of something bigger, as the insurmountable erodes. Tipping points are reached in drops, but fall down like torrents of rain.

Like a watched pot boiling or dead man walking, combustion equalizes each side of our equations, but renders everything inert. Some things take time.

Toejam and Earl: getting by, getting high

2011-08-10T01:35:00.006-04:00

If everything happens for a reason, then how can our most meaningful relationships be traced back to chance encounters? Threads are spun in the moment, but each strand is already connected to the one spun before. Once intertwined, no stretch can separate the split-screen. I am here now because you were there then- had we not been who would we be? Ocean after ocean, level upon level, just call and I'll jump. I know you'd help me unfall.

Toejam and Earl: Family Matters

2011-08-04T13:14:00.002-04:00

How do the ones who know us best become strangers? Who are these people, who see the best in us and bring out our worst? Who are these people, from whom we buck and bray, all the while becoming? We spend so much life trying to get back to a place we can never go again, and once home count the minutes till we can go home. Entitled to call us on the clutter that is our lives while carrying the keepsakes of generations, words which anyone else could say, coming from them cut. They are both the scissors and our source of strength, our secret keepers and the skeletons. They advise unsolicited on which roads to follow and boxes to open, though we know damn well that everything out there is randomized, and hostile. Rev up the rocket ship, leave behind a lifetime of misunderstanding with the only people who ever understood, fly far, far away and never return. Find a mailbox without teeth. Send your love.

The Centuria Challenge: A cool gaming blog to watch

2011-08-03T21:42:00.007-04:00

Just found this blog while I was googling for images of Toejam and Earl in the hot tub. A nice DC couple is going to play through and create cool images based upon a mutually compiled list of 100 games, one at a time, in chronological order by release date, without pussing out or presumably breaking up. Or maybe their approach to exes is more mature than mine, I don't know. Not that I'm betting against them; Maybe I would have possessed the moral fortitude to finish Omikron: The Nomad Soul had I the support of a tender loving life partner back in 1999...But seriously guys, Galerians? You look like two very nice and attractive young people, don't do that to yourselves. Maybe play Gold Rush instead.

Anyway, it looks like an awesome project that I'll be watching.

Prototype: Is this why the real America hates us?

2011-07-28T17:32:00.004-04:00

Personally, I'm less concerned about the military's lack of anti-insurgency skills than I am about the fact that I've assimilated over a third of the hearts and minds in this city and I still don't know how to drive a car. God damn it I hate New Yorkers!

Batman Arkham Asylum: Batman Lives the Vida Loca

2011-07-18T19:17:00.009-04:00

When it came to picking a favorite superhero, my choice was always clear. There's nothing badass about saving the day when your only weakness is for shiny green gemstones, or when your tights are full of spooj. Bruce Wayne is just a regular super-genius ninja billionaire detective. Like you and me.

Batman is Everyman. He loves great books, long walks on the beach, and prostitutes...
But constantly climbing through ventilation shafts to spy on celebrity villains is just a little too commoner for how I like to envision the Dark Knight...

READ THIS OR ELSE THE VIDEO WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE...

Special thanks to my the YouTubers linked below, for stealing that which I stole from them:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exhNT2_bHs8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQd4eQ6Hby8&playnext=1&list=PL05F73D9C2F2B3B40

Resonance of Fate: nothing is written in stone

2011-06-23T16:00:00.001-04:00

2.75 days of my life, only including the spent time saved, and I can't say what this game was about. I'm not even sure why I stuck with it.

I know I've promised myself I'd stop before. Every time, in fact...But each chapter in this epic allegory made me think it was all about to come together; The moment was just out of my grasp, so I stretched. And stretched. And stretched.

The game had great things going for it, no doubt. The combat system was forward-thinking and unique, with a steep enough learning curve and difficulty to keep me interested; The mandatory Japstrionic battle animations comparatively short enough to keep me engaged; The fruits of laboriously tiling Basel's twelve story bathroom incentive enough to keep me on my knees, in search of corner pieces and Bezel Shards. The threads just never seemed to meet, the punches to connect.

But I didn't throw in the towel. Everything eventually ends, or at least presents an opportunity for exit, so it's really a question of closure, or continuity. I didn't get either, but I did get out, with clean hands and a head held high. I found none of my fears came true, the sky was blue, and the sun was shining.

It took me 5 years, 5 months, and 17 days to take my life back. So what's a couple days?

Portal 2: I can has advertisement?

2011-03-26T16:15:00.007-04:00

this was a triumph (I'm making a note here, huge success).

British people want us to run an ad for Portal 2. This being the first email Resigned Gamer has received with correct punctuation and spelling, we shall comply...We don't know them from Brown Bread, but who doesn't like Portal?

So here you go. It's an ad.

Maybe now all those cucumber porn SEO referrals will pay off, you dirty gits...

from Tatiana Crisan
to RESIGNEDGAMER@gmail.com
date Fri, Mar 25, 2011 at 1:01 PM
subject Advertising Enquiry for Resigned Gamer
mailed-by unrulymedia.com

hide details Mar 25 (2 days ago)

Hi,

Hope you don’t mind me getting in touch; I thought you might like to know about Portal 2, Valve Corporation’s new sci-fi first person action/puzzle game. Part of the Half-Life series, Portal 2 continues Chell’s story after she awakens from stasis.

They've made this video to promote the game, which will be released in April:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts-j0nFf2e0

We're also looking for sites to run this video on a commercial basis. If you're interested, we can give you a player to embed and pay you for each view in the UK.

You can pick up the video and see the commercial terms for running the campaign, here:

http://console.unrulymedia.com/publisher/video/signup?apid=6333&xname=resignedgamer

We run a large number of gaming campaigns each month so there’s also the opportunity for advertising revenue in the future. If you have any questions along the way, please drop me a line.

Regards,

Tatiana

All Unruly campaigns are clearly marked as commercially sponsored and we adhere to a strict code of ethics, which you can read here: http://www.unrulymedia.com/ethics-code

--
Tatiana Crisan
Media Executive
Unruly Media
11-29 Fashion Street
LONDON
E1 6PX
020 7199 5846

Sand Slides: My Slippery Slope

2011-03-13T21:48:00.011-04:00

So it's come to this.

Employing an exhaustive workaround of intersecting lines and buckets so we might safely pour our precious material down the drain, I never asked why we didn't just rig the overhead vats to rotate. I knew every hair was numbered, and was happy to pass a hat.

It didn't matter that success only spread me thin until it slipped through my hands- I had potential once. I was ranked the 2,548th best employee in the button factory, and reached new heights of homogeneity every night shift.

And then one day it wasn't fun anymore. I still went through the motions, sorting cyan from cerulean, green from gold, saving what I could and letting the rest slip away. I kept my weary fingers in the dike, but knew eventually everything reached the sea, and Monday always came. My scores began to drop like rain.

Eventually I could no longer resist the urge to turn this bubble gum and twine assembly line into an arts and crafts project. My contribution was less than appreciated, but what it lacked in score it made up for in satisfaction.

Castlevania Haiku

2011-01-22T22:48:00.003-05:00

When standing knee-deep in shit, it's nice to know you aren't standing in it all alone. Doesn't make it smell any better, but it's nice just the same.

Here's an epiphany from Epiphany.

Bats are Sales Quota
Candles are leads in disguise
My whip is useless

Do not miss a beat
World is crumbling at your feet
Keep strong, can't go wrong

And here's one from me...

The Belmonts are brave
but never finish a job
heroes follow through

Rolling Thunder: Resolutions

2011-01-09T00:51:00.001-05:00

A new year is always an opportunity to change the way we approach things. Just don't forget old acquaintances and auld lang syne.

ROLLING THUNDER

admire persistence
but examine strategy
insane is defined

proudly toiling team
on friday we get bagels
office unity

A game is a terrible thing to waste

2010-12-30T16:18:00.003-05:00

From the AP-

Man charged with stealing video games from casket of teen accident victim

Jody Lynn Bennett, 37, of Mentcle, grabbed a Game Boy, three games and a Game Boy Light from the open casket during the public visitation about 9:30 p.m. Monday at Rairigh Funeral Home in Montgomery Township, the news release says. He fled when confronted by family members, police said.

State police in Indiana, Pa., would not comment on the case beyond a brief news release issued today.

......A Game Boy Light? Do they mean this rare Japanese collectible? And what games?!? Surely the titles will have to be considered during sentencing.

...If it had been one of these I'da stole that bitch too...just sayin...

The Adventure of Link: Shadow Boxing

2010-12-29T20:46:00.006-05:00

When I'm not engaged with this blog- and let's be honest, I seldom am anymore- I'm a Lieutenant on the front lines of a social institution's fight for survival. Or maybe more like an auctioneer at the fourth estate sale, perhaps...Either way it involves a lot of barking, a lot of noise, and always more losers than winners...

I'd like to think I'm good at what I do. I'd like to think I'm effective, that I get results. But let the record show there isn't a day goes by I don't wonder if I'm not a self-immolating sumo match over occupancy limits. This doesn't elevate my thinking of anyone, but it does serve to level the playing field for a time.

Honestly I don't know if I'm cut out for all this. If the holes I patch outstrip the shoddy stitches I can't help but rip. I feel I'm better suited for a dark room with minimal human intervention, as a gelatinous cube issuing unseen commands rather than impotently scuffling to bring someone to a correct conclusion of their own accord. Go ahead and call me a cheater, the other way's not worth it. Because that's the problem with taking yourself on: even if you win, you lose. Fuck it.

...incidentally this would also be a good juncture to remind everyone of the origins of Icarian Challenge...

fuck you microsoft, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

2010-12-11T12:20:00.001-05:00

preach it.

Lighting strikes twice

2010-12-11T11:40:00.005-05:00

Red Ring of Death. Again.

This time around, they have a fancy new wizard to order the repair online...Except they keep saying my email address is invalid...Except it seems perfectly valid every time they want to spam me, or send me point purchase receipts...

I get them on the phone and oh and I'm out of warrantee. Except how does the warrantee apply when it's the REPLACEMENT that broke?

And smooth jazz? seriously?

Zelda: a chink in the timeline

2010-12-07T22:26:00.006-05:00

Continuing my lazy streak, here's another guest entry from Methossa...2 months after he sent it to me...And I always thought the reason Zelda was painful, unrewarding, and mildly confusing was because Link couldn't speak...

Joshstorm: Trying to figure out the Zelda timeline is what I imagine helping a tiger give birth is like: painful, unrewarding, mildly confusing.

Methossa: Yeah, I gave up after OOT. I think Nintendo refuses to disclose it so they can retcon when they want without having to admit it.

Joshstorm: Apparently OOT makes it split between Majora's Mask/Wind Waker, and each of those lines. Miyamoto doesn't care about continuity, look at him.

Joshstorm: Honestly though whenever canon says '...and then the timeline split' I know they're just doing an asspull.

Methossa: I'm imagining Zelda: Crisis on Infinite Earths to resolve all the timelines. Or is that just Smash Brothers?

Joshstorm: It does actually pull from both continuities... but they both have the same Final Smash. Plot twist? I blame... uh... Franklin Richards and his pocket dimensions.

Methossa: I'm not sure I'm ok with the possibility that Dr. Mario beats Mario in it. Mario Galaxy as a Columns style puzzle game would be far less enjoyable.

Joshstorm: Brawl retconned Melee out of continuity so it is fine now. Until Mario Prime gets a Star and creates new realities cause he's a dick. Then God help us.

Methossa: All realities will converge with Mario as lead character in all games. It'll be cool when he fights Robotnik, but awkward trying to use the fire flower on the Helghast.

Joshstorm: What about when it goes meta and he has to fight Miyamoto?

Methossa: I always thought that's who the hand in Smash Brothers was.

Joshstorm: Additional plot twist, in Brawl Master Hand is shown to be controlled by Tabuu from Subspace. Miyamoto's cry for help? The plot thickens.

Don't Save the Princess

2010-11-27T21:28:00.002-05:00

These guys know what they're talking about.

Breakthru: when tanks fly

2010-11-15T07:24:00.000-05:00

I wonder how much brain power people dedicate each day to thinking up reasons why things can't be done. Because anything can be done- true difficulty lies only in convincing ourselves it's worth doing. Once we're past that, even tanks can fly.

Altered Beast: all in the mind

2010-10-18T07:30:00.004-04:00

I haven't been around much lately. Speaking not so much as in this blog, but in my own life.

It seems to go on without me, perhaps doing wonderful fulfilling things and nothings with wonderful fulfilling someones, somewhere, anywhere, but here, while I solve other people's petty problems. Instead of writing prose I write memos. Memos I've fooled myself could ever mean half as much to anyone as I've fooled myself they mean to me. For years I've seen this futile fight just to keep a crumbling company in one place as somehow a noble crusade, and finally seeing it clearly as a corporate treadmill is just exhausting.

Someone in the same boat, just a different ocean, said she feared we were becoming less human. Less alive. And not for lack of grand adventure but for fully experiencing the little ones. You don't know how valuable being in the moment is until you've sullied some of the precious few with thoughts in their midst of mundanity. Frustration. Disappointment. Rage. Bad enough for work to steal your week!

So we decided we'd change. If not our reality than at least its hold on us. I'm not exactly sure how. But I hope this is a start.

The Saboteur: un examen dans le haïku

2010-08-28T00:22:00.001-04:00

no, seriously
you quitting nazi bitches
that explains Russia.

in your hearts and minds
I'm blowing up random things
go insurgency

Fun with Deconstruction: Grand Theft Auto

2010-08-10T19:38:00.008-04:00

This blog may be down to drinking the kinky dregs of accumulated search engine equity and reddit cockroaches, but dammit we're starting a new column! Updated...semi-irregularly...if at all...ever...

But enough with the preambling rambling...Let's put our overpriced liberal arts educations to use, shall we?!?

There's a Lance Vance in every office. Sometimes two!

Since before the dawn of speech, across the decades and the continent, there is a lasting appeal to every installment of the GTA3 and GTA4 series, which yanks upon one common thread:

We all have our issues, but I am the only competent person in a metro area of morons, layabouts, and perverts.

In an unfailing formula, From the City Stories to the Chinatown Wars, every protagonist's plot begins, and ends, with the problems of others. They are blotches on his radar, insistent and incessant, until he's busted, burnt alive, or shoots someone in the face.

It really makes me miss the originals, where every spoken word was gibberish, every mission optional, and the only true indicator of your progress was the accumulated point equivalent of damage you'd done to persons and property.

If anyone is out there, what other great games of canon shall we deconstruct? Leave us a comment.

Facebook exposes liberal elite conspiracy to falsify news and support terrorist muslim president

2010-08-02T12:52:00.005-04:00

VINDICATION! I knew it all along!

...Also, happy birthday Erica and Jeremy...

R-Type Command: Don't Look Back

2010-08-01T22:12:00.012-04:00

WARNING! This review contains spoilers...As if you were really gonna play R-Type Command...

Halfway through it, all I'd intended to write about this game was that it's a polished and perfectly competent turn-based strategy that made one glaring omission:

In the mission pictured above, you start at the top of a column and work your way down. Those ships are not running away from that wormy monster- they're about to fight it. Poorly...

And we're not talking about some constantly-walking japanese icons that are just going to swing a sword in any direction and jabber on anyway. Combat in this game is driven by charging big blast weapons, originating from the nose of one's ship.

But after playing through the whole game, this excessive linearity actually seems quite intentional and, I have to admit, rather clever.

The premise of the game is that a young commander is sent on a journey across the galaxy to find and destroy the source of the Bydo, an alien race (originally created by man, to serve man, blahblahblah) whose fleets are approaching Earth in a seemingly endless stream. All previous attempts to stop them have failed.

After 30 missions of mind-numbing Japanese exposition, the commander reaches the Bydo Core, and his entire armada is promptly mutated into Bydo. Somehow they don't notice. They just want to go home.

And thus starts another 27 missions as the other side, going right back the way you came, and every mission not understanding why all the other humans are trying to kill you. I've got to say it got old after the 10th pre-mission monologue, but it was compelling enough that I had to see what happened at the end of the loop.

Yeah, actually you've got about another 12 missions to go...

To make a painfully long story bearable: you finally get back to Earth, blow up a couple buildings, figure out you've become the Bydo, get sad, fly around all depressed while the credits roll, and then run away.

They could have gotten to the point much faster, but so could my mother...Granted, Commander Cucumber could have just picked up a mirror, but how much of ourselves do we ever truly see the way that others do? How often do we acknowledge that we're part of the problem, and do we ever get outside the glass house?

...Also, yes, that picture really does say "Untouchable Sergeant Cucumber's Residual Sanity."

User Error

2010-07-14T20:06:00.003-04:00

Not a game post, but something I was moved to write about...

Driving to work today I heard this story about New York's Board of Elections getting sued because they were afraid to click into the settings tab on their fancy new voting machines.

Driving home (in my 2002 Toyota Prius which I *love,* thank you very much) I heard this story about the high probability of unintended acceleration being caused by people mashing the gas pedal instead of the brakes.

Not unlike the Chinese curse, we truly live in interesting times. The limits of our ecology, economy, and equality are being tested like never before, and decisions that will shape the technology of tomorrow are being left to people who don't even use the technology of today.

Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe all these years at an internet company that doesn't permit people to work remotely, filling out paper timesheets and teaching Ethel the Friendly Neighborhood Newspaper Rep how to find her right mouse button, has skewed my perspective.

Or maybe, compared to the State of New York's inability to access their preferences menu, it's actually worse than I realized.

But should I expect these codgers to copy/paste when they can't even drive? Sometimes the system just can't get any simpler, and the end-user still can't tell his elbow from his end.

Fuck it, I'm hungry.

Borderlands: my fortress of solitude

2010-07-04T16:27:00.009-04:00

The vast and vacant steppes of Borderland were meant to be traversed in a team of merry misanthropes, but it’s a trek I opted to take alone.

I don’t play well with others, you see. Either they’re too worthless to waste time on, out of my league, or cheating.

...It was the first time in a half hour that they'd found the need for a sniper rifle, but Jack just didn't care...

And so I walked alone. Just me and my 14 firearms. Life was simple, uncomplicated, cool, without those niggling shades of gray. There were only two kinds of people in the world- those that wanted to kill me, and those that wanted me to do things for them. At times it could be exhausting, but I moved quite quickly through it, unencumbered as I was.

you know, that gun actually has an auto-lock feature, which I'd be happy to engage if you'd GET THE FUCK OUT!

I never got lonely, so much as bored. One can only accumulate so much wealth and power before realizing it amounts to just that: accumulation. The shiny green gun shoots acid instead of electricity, but on the whole it’s not dissimilar from the shiny blue gun. It doesn’t much matter whether your grenades bounce, stick, or bide their time, because in the end they all blow up.

Sigh...what does it all mean?

Such ennui causes one to speed instead of savor, to hearken to the end in hopes of a better book. But believe me, it does not come. The treasures we seek are real, oh yes, but worth not half as much whence finally held, their true value in the seeking. Traveling alone is better than traveling in bad company, but if the trip’s no fun, then the destination isn’t worth visiting.

Phantom 2040: haiku for a hero

2010-06-25T00:08:00.004-04:00

PHANTOM 2040

A cause, true and just
Hero most dependable
Why is he so sad?

The Simpsons: A man's biggest dreams

2010-06-16T22:38:00.001-04:00

Some say take pleasure in the small things. Others say expect little and you won't be disappointed. I say pie. Yes, pie.

Download your inspirational quote for the day.

Leisure Suit Larry: wisdom is knowing how much worse it could be

2010-05-24T08:03:00.000-04:00

Some days nothing ever seems to go our way. People stand us up, let us down, and jerk us around. The roof caves in and the bottom drops out, and the things that usually make us feel good just aren't cutting it today. Times like these it's important to remember that we are beautiful, warts and all, that we are reliable, even when we fall, and that we are loved. Buy a new pair of shoes and get on with it.

Operation Darkness: Springtime for Hitler

2010-04-26T23:16:00.005-04:00

Winston Churchill, during the last war worth fighting, said "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few." He was speaking, of course, about werewolves.

I spent nearly 30 hours of my life on this ridiculous game. I would have spent more, but failed to check the pockets on enough corpses to qualify for the bonus levels. I wish I had, but can't really say why...

heil myself...heil to me...

Operation Darkness: work in progress

2010-03-23T23:38:00.004-04:00

I recently went down a rabbit hole of sorts, eschewing the clarified butter satisfaction of Call of Duty 4's single player campaign for a full out assault on reason with Operation Darkness. I thought I was going to wrap it up this weekend and figure out a way to explain myself, but the gods laugh when we make plans. So does that prick Hitler. More to come. - Sir Cucumber

Doomeru: so yeah
indian place by us opens next week

Sir Cucumber: sw3333t

Doomeru: i won mass effect 2
playing bioshock 2 now
then metro 2033
got some psp games...

Sir Cucumber: i got to hitler
gang raped him with two werewolves.
but he cheated.
fucking hitler.

Doomeru: hitler, cheating? impossible
so, did he delete ur save games?

Sir Cucumber: he totally gave himself a second life, and summoned a bunch of fucking dragons
after making me trudge through 3 levels in berlin without a re-up
and also whining like a bitch.

Doomeru: was he talking about Eva?

Sir Cucumber: mostly just his leiben

Doomeru: did he have any doods with arms sticking out of their tummies with pistols?

Sir Cucumber: nah just a couple faggot ass officers
one of them would do his spell by saluting you
which really didn't make much sense to me.

Doomeru: nazis never make any sense

Sir Cucumber: hitler had a big fist spell. it was deep.

Doomeru: so he fisted u…

Sir Cucumber: he was unfazed by a bunch of werewolves punching him in the face.
that's what werewolves do most effectively, you know. punch people in the face.

Doomeru: that is true
Didja get Winterbottom yet?

Sir Cucumber: i have gotten nothing until i finish this fucking game

Doomeru: So what do you play when u poop?

Bald Bull: knowing when to quit

2010-03-22T08:08:00.000-04:00

Okay, okay, I know I've been very delinquent as of late. I assure you I'm not dead, just on a tangent of sorts. After years of self medicating, I've finally joined a gym and hired a trainer for two days a week of self abuse. Or is that the other way around? Anyways, I really do feel a lot better, which, for better or worse, seems to keep me from writing.

Everything happens in cycles though, doesn't it? We're up, we're down, we're flush, we're dry, we're sick, we're spry, and so on, and so forth. And don't things have to get worse before they get better? Facts are facts, but windows aren't always open; lights always on. Which is to say that we can't force things one way without causing someone else or even ourselves to push back with an equal and opposing effort. Hence inertia. But that's no excuse to sit back and let it be. Eclipses don't last long or come often. You'll miss them if you aren't prepared.

Street Fighter IV: hate the player, not the game...

2010-02-07T21:42:00.010-05:00

I feel profoundly old. Not because I just had a birthday and 30 is on to me like a Dahaka, but because Doomeru bought me a copy of Street Fighter IV, and I made the mistake of playing it.

I didn't play Street Fighter III. I didn't play Street Fighter Alpha, or Super Turbo Douchebag Fighter 20x6. I played Street Fighter fucking II at Lou's Mini Putt-Putt and drew the line at ice blue Ryu. I knew how run the cabinet back in my day. At least I thought I did, and there was no one around in Chester, NJ to tell me otherwise.

apparently i need to learn some new tricks...

Like back on the fencing team in 7th grade, Street Fighter II was about timing, and distance. It was about patience, and poise, and not flinching first.

And so is Street Fighter IV. But things are more complicated these days. Between the super combos and the ultra combos and the and super cancels and focus attacks and ex focuses and throw escapes and technical reversals, I can't seem to see where I stand until I'm lying on my back. It's like the world when and got itself in a big damn hurry.

okay, this isn't fun anymore.

I'm not saying that change is bad, or that we used to have it better. This just isn't what I signed up for. I'm tired of being frustrated all the time. I've decided not to stay. I doubt they'll kick up any fuss. Not for an old kook like me.

Tomorrow I'll go back to work, banging my head against a wall of newspaper salespeople who refuse to learn about this thing we call the Internet, and maybe, just maybe, I'll have a shred more empathy for them. I am getting old, after all.

Fieldrunners: are you a cannon or a footsoldier?

2010-01-25T08:10:00.001-05:00

Where there is entrenched opposition in every direction and the only way out is through, a brave army hurtles toward hurt in the hope that everything gets worse before it gets better. Some of them may make it, but none will come through unscathed. They carry no weapon but persistence, and no goal greater than reaching the other side. Never has cannon fodder had such poor odds and wealth of zeal, but ask them why and they cannot articulate a reply. It’s just something they need to do.

Everblue 2: conducting the current

2010-01-18T08:03:00.002-05:00

They're human, all too human. They will try to change, but the same trespasses as before will slip through. Focus instead on how you fed into the dynamic. How did your actions lead them down this path? Change that, and save yourself grief and conflict. "The River... Try to dam it and you only add to its pent-up energy and increase your risk. Instead divert its course, channel it, make its power serve your purposes."

...Thanks to Methossa for this week's motivation, who understands that if you want something done right, or in this case even done at all, you've got to do it yourself...It should also be noted that his emphasis on taking responsibility for exactly one half of all your fucked up interactions is far beyond my level of maturity, and Everblue 2 is far beyond my level of patience.

Plants vs Zombies: Suffering slings and arrows for someone else's outrageous fortune

2009-12-28T22:29:00.000-05:00

Giving is little more than an empty gesture unless it hurts, so there is no offering greater than ourselves. Be it for money, love or patience, freedom, fulfillment or station, everything worth having costs at least a pound of flesh. And that's the thing about giving of ourselves- there's only so much to go around. Heeding a call to arms is honorable, and getting called an honor, but make sure to distinguish between that which serves a higher purpose, and that which serves a higher pay grade.

Eye of the tiger

2009-12-21T08:05:00.000-05:00

I'm not a fan of any sports, but I'm particularly not a fan of golf. And believe me, I've tried. In my formative years...

and during pseudo-charitable, quasi-corporate events...

But I needed to share this, perhaps poorly timed(?) message, brought to you by Accenture and Tiger Woods.

It applies to all of us.

Including you.

Plants vs. Zombies: style vs. substance

2009-12-14T08:04:00.002-05:00

You won't hear me say this often- in fact you've never heard me say this: It's not what you say, but how you say it. Not what you do, but how you do it.

You won't hear me say this cliche again, because I resent everything it implies. I resent the idea that truth could matter less than presentation, or that the facts could have less bearing on a situation than the audience they're presented to. I resent that I should have to check for wrinkles before checking my work, or give someone whose already wasting my time another five seconds of it so that I might focus myself on telling them to fuck off without displaying emotion.

But mostly I resent it because it's true.

Any smart gamer is wary of titles that tout gimmicks or graphics, because these things are so often substituted for actual gameplay. Take Breakdown, or Mirror's Edge, for instance. But in Plants vs. Zombies, the presentation is so top notch that anything lacking in gameplay, namely difficulty, is easily overlooked.

It won't matter that no new plants you get will be better than a chomper, or that new zombies keep falling for old strategies- you'll just want to see what they come up with next.

Perhaps it says more about Resident Evil 5 than it does about Plants vs. Zombies, but I was playing the former before Doomeru gave me the latter, and I haven't picked it up again since. Poor Sheva has had no one to waste my herbs on for weeks.

An "executive coach" has been scolding me for explaining the stupidity of my corporate co-workers to them for the last two months, and someone I admire very much has told me many times that "no one hears you when you scream," but it took the casual infectiousness of Plants vs. Zombies for the lesson to take root.

When, over the Thanksgiving holiday, some middle management hack tried to make his problems mine, and in turn a lot of other people who didn't need his shit, my previous reaction would have been to run across the hall and gnaw his brains out.

Instead, I went home and wrote a three-page memo that calmly let the facts speak for themselves. The facts have always been on my side, but it didn't matter until I put bullet points next to them, and erased the expletives.

Anyway, life is just as fucked up as ever, but this game has helped me feel a little bit more in-control. It's also extra gratifying to be playing it on my work computer. Score one for personal growth and casual gaming.

Until next week, my fellow zombies.

- Zombie Cucumber

Piss away your Monday morning with the Zombatar! It's viral!

Air Traffic Chaos: keep calm and carry on.

2009-11-30T08:11:00.000-05:00

no one ever says, "I want to be an air traffic controller" when I grow up...

“Hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror” is an attribute applicable to much in our lives, but not a distinction generally sought in video games.

Which is why I doubt Air Traffic Chaos will be sought in many stores this holiday season- much less shelved- and that’s a pity, because it’s the best game I’ve played all year.

Assuming the role of this poor bastard, you must set out upon a quest for a larger paycheck by moving up the ranks of Air Traffic Controllers through five successively busy Japanese airports.

Each level begins uneventfully, giving you time to nurse a cup of coffee and recover from last night’s hangover while walking a few pilots through takeoffs or landings. The process is so mundane and methodical that you soon take to multitasking. What starts with wiping your ass during touchdown soon leads to checking Facebook while forming traffic patterns.

And that’s when everything goes to shit. Because now there’s a guy approaching Runway 34, while another plane is getting pushed back towards Runway 17, two commuter jets have been circling overhead for the last 20 minutes, and this other asshole is griping about when you’ll confirm his route. Scrambling to make people not-mad-at-you, you have him taxi for takeoff on runway 34, and while you’re struggling to remember how you ever chose this miserable career, it all comes to an end.

those two colorful blobs are planes.

Fortunately the Japanese understand that you can’t always hit the boat on your first try, and the continues are unlimited.

Golly, all those people are dead because of you.
You really should be more careful!

With the lives of so many Japanese businessmen in your hands, it’s important to remain vigilant and avoid daydreaming. But one thought I could never stop dwelling upon was how we manage the chaos in our lives by playing chaos-management games.

I’ve reached a point this year where my job has become so onerous that watching “The Office” is no longer funny, but thankfully this cognitive rejection hasn’t applied to Air Traffic Chaos, where the only victory to be had is in preventing any deaths until it’s on someone else’s shift. Where the stakes are astronomical, the odds like Russian roulette, and the reward is getting to spin again. Where failure earns a grade of “C,” and where excellence is rewarded with nothing, save keeping your job to lose another day, though given the level of accountability people are held to around here, I’m not sure exactly what that would take...

Secret Service: Threat Level Orange

2009-11-25T08:08:00.000-05:00

No one ever suspects the troupe of identical men in orange parkas.

Let's all be fair but firm this holiday season...

...If you see something, say something.

Final Fantasy Tactics: letting go

2009-11-15T20:25:00.004-05:00

I fired someone for the first time last week. They were twice my age. I never thought making the right decision would feel so wrong, but I hear it gets easier over time. Because most things in life are out of our control, and that makes the choices we do have all the more important. Don't stifle or settle, trifle or back-pedal. Do the right thing, and if you do the wrong thing, make it right. You owe that to your people.

Win a free Wii and Wii Fit.......whee?

2009-11-12T08:22:00.004-05:00

because this blog, which was supposed to be about the passion my brother and I share for video games, hasn't self-indulgently diverged into the autobiographical enough, my day job came up with something relevant for me to share...with my loyal Digg-using casual-gaming audience...

it's a contest to win a Wii and Wii Fit. if you live in PA or know someone who does, you should enter. help me look good for the bosses.

http://www.lehighvalleylive.com/contests/wii/

Too sexy for your party

2009-11-09T08:07:00.001-05:00

I've been feeling out of sync lately, and it's something deeper than the general malaise of not relating or fitting in.

Maybe it's because after extensive interviews and testing an executive coach concluded that, while my co-workers believe my heart to be in the right place, they wish that it, and my body, were elsewhere, not making them feel so inadequate and uncomfortable.

Or maybe it's just because Doomeru loaned me his uncut collector's edition of American Psycho.

Either way, this is how I've chosen to express it. Push the button. Perhaps you can relate.

Dawn of Discovery: road to Republicanism

2009-10-26T08:02:00.001-04:00

A public servant's work is never done...

President Jimmy Carter envisioned government as the "contrivance of human wisdom to provide for human wants," and said that that people had a right to expect those wants to be provided for by that wisdom.

And in the spirit of this lofty yet pragmatic vision, the Dawn of Discovery series is to be commended for its message of man’s endless striving to improve himself and his situation.

In Anno 1701: Dawn of Discovery and it's simplified sequel, simply-named Dawn of Discovery, you set out upon the New World to improve people's lives through mass-production and the exploitation of natural resources. Ism's and Schism's are tossed to the wind in this brave new hemisphere, where everything is business and nothing is personal.

When your primary course of action is transaction, even the recourse to piracy is bribery. Use of ungentlemanly force is truly a last resort, and only exercised with such cold asymmetry as a mortgage in foreclosure.

Eschewing this distasteful combat, most of the game focuses on providing for your people so that they might better themselves. After meeting their physiological needs with shelter, food, and clothing are met, you tend to your flock’s intellectual cultivation with religion. Others seek study in schools, and companionship in taverns. Soon they are a civilized people, sipping tea with sugar and attending the theatre with their university-educated children.

Like any level-headed European populace, your colonists are happy to pay their share for the government services you provide, enhancing their quality of life with crime prevention, sanitation, and universal healthcare.

Living in such an elevated age, with their stomachs full and senses stimulated, your people may finally turn to the higher pursuits of inflating real estate values and the endless accumulation of jewelry and chocolate.

And inexplicably, at this apex of their evolution, your people become unhappy. As a class, they are inconsolably dissatisfied and preoccupied with lowering their tax rates…

Space Quest IV: the prime directive

2009-10-19T08:09:00.000-04:00

Having only the use of our own two eyes, it's natural to assume that others see things the same way we do. But like beetles and bent trees, perception is shaped by our experience. That which does not apply is discarded, and from many we become one, peering aghast at impossible forms of life across the water. We are islands, but never too far...Or far enough. When winter is not upon us it's on the way, and you're going to have to trade with the natives. So try to get comfortable- we don't walk in each others' shoes to see how they'll fit.

Choplifter: too heavy for Superman

2009-10-12T08:05:00.000-04:00

No matter how safe, strong, secure, or sure we feel, every good thing hangs by a string. We sleep suspended on a spider web and be it force of god, will, or inertia, there is little that keeps us from dropping of our own weight. Some things can never be put back together again, because all the king's horses and all the king's men know it's not the fall that kills you.

I'd say be careful, but we know that's not the cure. I'd say live in the present, but what then do we live for? If you straighten up and fly right you'll miss the forest for the trees, but save yourself and soon you'll have no one left to please.

The truth is I'm tired of giving advice I can never seem to follow. I'm tired of playing these games I can never seem to win. I'm stuck in a low, dark place and waiting for a lift. I need someone else to do it this time.

Elevator Action: the shaft of solitude

2009-09-28T08:06:00.000-04:00

The power on my block was out all Sunday, and it was the first time I'd read a book in months. No work, no games, no humming appliances or hot tub- just time and thoughts. It wasn't the most comfortable day I'd ever spent with myself, but one in which I was present, for a change.

Winnie the Pooh: what friends are for

2009-09-22T21:15:00.003-04:00

Silly bear, your Tao will not save you.

Buy the shirt.

Grand Theft Auto IV: kicking the habit

2009-09-21T08:02:00.000-04:00

I could use a couple of these myself...

Punch Out: no pain no gain

2009-09-14T08:03:00.001-04:00

In this world you are either fit or unfit. And I don't mean cut like a rock all's i needs are my pants, I mean being able to roll with the punches. Maybe even leaning into a couple, when necessary. Yes, getting there can be an excruciating, even embarrassing process, but at least you don't have to wear a pink sweatsuit. I myself recently resolved to at least make an effort to run every day, though a more accurate description would be morning lurch-and-wheeze. But I'm encouraged by the fact that, slightly inaccurate orientation aside, it would be geographically impossible for Little Mac to do his training anywhere but the waterfront of Jersey City. Seriously. Google it.

Grand Theft Auto IV: for mature audiences only

2009-09-08T14:46:00.012-04:00

I read a book in high school called “The Assistant,” which would have long since faded from memory if Mr. Sowder hadn’t answered my critique that it was interminably boring by blurting out “it’s supposed to be!” So I respect what Rockstar was trying to do in Grand Theft Auto IV by replacing sports cars with fishtailing clunkers and forcing me to drop everything at a moment’s notice not for a gang war, but a bowling match.

What's that? You care about me and want to spend supportive, quality time together? Gee, I can't wait.

Yes, it does piss me off that refusing to waste time and money at the strip club with one obnoxious prick or another prevents me from reaping the intangible benefits of “friendship,” and that if I should actually try to get into the spirit of chumminess by jumping on stage to dance or pointing my gun at someone we’ll get kicked out of the establishment, but the only emails I get these days are from Barack Obama, and no one's ever paid a dime to see my song and dance.

how about we quit this game and go shoot someone?

Yes, I hate how chicks comment on me wearing the same outfit for two dates in a row and then don’t say a word about me picking them up in an ice cream truck, but women are weird like that. I’m furious every time I have to stop and pay a toll, until I remember that I’ve been meaning to get an EZ-PASS for the last 428 commutes to Easton. And it really irks me how hard it is to find a gun in Hove Beach, but I’ve been trying to get my hands on one in Jersey City for years.

Yes. I'm your cousin. I care about you and your problems...

Better bloggers have already reviewed Rockstar’s choice for realism, as GTA IV compares with its predecessors and the Saints Row series. It was a choice, and in an industry on autopilot I’ll respect any. My beef is where the realism starts to unravel:

Like any currency-based video game, anyone remotely competent ends up with more money than they ought to. And knowing that the more one keeps people safe the more they need safekeeping, one soon moves on up to a deluxe East Side safehouse, closer to the job. Eventually one finds themselves too far removed and without time for family and friends; Eventually without interest. People express concern, but eventually read the writing on the wall and no longer call. The payoff keeps getting bigger; the apartments too, and you slowly stop taking pleasure in the simple things like street preachers and hot dogs, a good drunk, and driving. Your phone’s address book fills up with acquaintances. Each mission bleeds into the next and it’s hard to remember where this started and how it ended up here. You find yourself alone with nothing but the work, and a lot of meaningless achievement points.

…So much for realism, right?

Super Mario World: don't hide under your hat

2009-08-31T08:09:00.000-04:00

Fear is a natural and instinctual reaction that keeps us alive, but also from living. It nips at a man's heels, clouds how he truly feels, and keeps him always on the run. But when we finally stop, turn, and stare down our Dahaka, they're never as imposing or insurmountable as they seem when out of sight.

Game Over

2009-08-24T12:43:00.000-04:00

It's not always an option to continue. Eventually, inevitably, you have to either start over or pull the damn plug and let the whole thing fade to black. I'm tired.

Jersey City Sewer Cat

2009-08-19T10:42:00.003-04:00

I know you feel, kitteh. I know how you feel...

Ninja Gaiden: it takes balls not to climb the walls

2009-08-17T08:07:00.000-04:00

Courage is not fear's absence- that's arrogance. Courage is taking action in fear's presence. Courage does not require skill, nor scheme, nor success- only honest effort, and that's often the hardest thing to offer. But display even the smallest spark, and courage will set hearts afire. So come show us some.

What is wrong with us, part 3

2009-08-10T08:04:00.000-04:00

Like Little Mac and Bald Bull's barber, we just don't know when to quit. We think that leaning into the punch just one more time might turn it to an open palm, but the truth is that people don't change- they just learn to stop apologizing for being the way they are.

...And they learn to stop playing Jade Cocoon 2. That's it, I'm done.

What is wrong with us, part 2

2009-08-07T01:33:00.012-04:00

This next clip teaches us that the important things in life take persistence, that respect is earned in drops and dropped in buckets, and that the societal dilemma caused by a series of tubes irrevocably altering the business model of journalism might best be averted by newspapers around the country hiring obnoxious Japanese boys to do their investigative reporting...

no, seriously.

What is wrong with us, part 1

2009-08-03T08:06:00.002-04:00

I've got no motivation for you today. Deal with it.

Instead, here's a video of some of the most painful video game dialogue I've sat through in a while:

Gold Rush: ain't that a kick in the head

2009-07-27T08:05:00.000-04:00

The wise always make new mistakes, but the prudent stick with the devils they know, because there's just no telling what you can find yourself walking into. Some things in life you're never the same again after having done, and you'd take back their toll of reducing you to a helpless drooling idiot if only the blow hadn't also made you see stars. These things can't be unlearned. Knowledge may be power, but the first lesson learned is that ignorance is bliss.

Shufflepuck Cafe: Where no one knows my name

2009-07-20T08:07:00.001-04:00

We all need a break once in a while, and I'm long overdue. I've burned the candle from so many ends you'd think I was into wax play. But I guess it's like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer- it feels so good when you stop. Constant in the darkness, where's that at? If you want me I'll be in the bar...With this alien guy...playing air hockey...

Manhunter: stupid is as stupid does

2009-07-13T08:08:00.000-04:00

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Especially the stupid ones. Call it kismet call it karma, stoichiometry or dharma, eventually all the chickens come home to roost. If you play with fire you're gonna get burned, and you can only gorge so much before your stomach turns. Trying to avoid such a cold balance I've instead gone nowhere and done nothing at all, only to find myself pacing the hall and more mentally taxed than ever before. There's no deflecting the downsides of our deeds, so tread lightly and save often.

xkcd: I'm not the only one!

2009-07-07T23:53:00.004-04:00

oh sweet vindication. Thank you, xkcd!

Police Quest 2: The Pledge

2009-07-06T08:08:00.001-04:00

It's perfectly natural to want to walk into work and start shooting. If you don't ever think about it, then you're probably not paying attention...And likely will be one of the people shot...

But you know that what you need to do instead is take a deep breath, and find a way to move forward. When a moron stands between you and doing the right thing, then consider your course of action. Can you go around him? Above, below, or through?

The trick is finding the equanimity to take the tack that not only solves your problem, but actually makes it easier for the next would-be postal worker to come along. Believe me, you're not alone. And neither snow nor rain, nor heat nor gloom of night will stay us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds. Let's just try to not hurt too many morons in the process.

Police Quest: The most important tests in life are unannounced

2009-06-29T08:03:00.001-04:00

Life is full of random battles, so it's natural to feel unequipped. Coming up in our careers and punting through our personal lives we find ourselves outnumbered, outmaneuvered, and without remedy or revival. You could instead spend the days aimlessly levelling against an unknown foe, building your defenses for an eventual affliction of the heart and mind, but you'll only end up calloused. Remember, the worst thing that can happen is you'll have to start over.

Life and Death: If it hadn't have been you it would have been someone else.

2009-06-22T08:06:00.000-04:00

Sometimes people don't tell you things because it's incomprehensible to them that you wouldn't already know. Likewise, sometimes people don't ask seemingly stupid questions because it's incomprehensible to them that someone else wouldn't have already asked. Both these assumptions would be sensible if common sense was something we not only all had in common but all used. It isn't. So speak up.

Final Fight: inventory management

2009-06-15T08:08:00.000-04:00

Love is like a phantom limb- it can be cut off but never removed. Our bodies function on muscle memory, and the heart is no exception. But remember that going through the motions is what got you in this wreck, and if you don't pull yourself out soon you're going to get burned. Loss leaves us weak in the knees with a hole in the gut, but it also makes us take stock. What's left is precious cargo- drive carefully.

A Boy and His Blob: There is no jelly bean for a broken heart.

2009-06-08T08:05:00.001-04:00

It’s true you only hurt the ones you love, but that’s not what friends are for.

Our friends are a bridge over troubled waters and a ladder to higher planes, they are a bubble protecting us from a hurtful world and a blowtorch to blast through it. They are the holes we keep falling in, and some have less nutritional value than ketchup, but they’d sooner set themselves on fire than see harm come to us.

And we all take advantage of that once in a while. We drop them to see if they’ll bounce, and stray to see how far they’ll follow, until we whistle for help one day and they do not come.

The only thing worse than losing a friend is knowing it was your fault. Don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made.

Final Fantasy V: we just don't get it.

2009-06-03T08:02:00.002-04:00

...let's give a resignedly warm welcome to Methossa! Long time contributor, first-time writer, Methossa is off to a bang by taking it straight to our favorite sacred cow. Show your love...

Final Fantasy V was the one iteration of the series from the SNES that didn’t come to the US. It’s said that the Japanese felt the job system would be too complicated for Americans to grasp, a vote of confidence that in conjunction with FF: Mystic Quest as our planned introduction to the series makes one wonder if they had ever heard of Might and Magic or Ultima,. The game came out many years back in America on the Playstation, with Final Fantasy Anthology, as well as a GBA port with an improved translation. After playing through it recently on the Playstation, I wonder if the only reason we didn’t get a copy originally is they were sure we’d call them out on their bullshit plot.

The crux of the problem is the game attempts to sell you on how close-knit your group members are to each other, but their handling of every potential bonding event between characters makes you hope they were trying to make some sort of statement about the genre to begin with. Your self-named character stands by the grave of his father, and one of the female leads comes to speak with him. Instead of opening up about an event from her childhood, she tells you that fathers are worthless as the main character pines for his dead family. You don’t really feel sorry for the lack of empathy, however, because the game looks at each opportunity to develop him as a person and conscientiously ignores it.

Galuf, the archetypical wise yet immature old man asks why he crossed over to Galuf’s alternate world when he might not be able to go home, and the main character explains how he’s deeply driven by the need to… “Well, I just felt like it. Felt like roaming.” How compelling. You learn that his father once fought with Galuf to save the world, it’s approached as a “Well that’s interesting” random coincidence.

The large disappointment is that you’re expecting a story, not a realistic portrayal of how people might react to similar events in real life. Galuf the office worker having worked with your dad? That’s nice. You tell a characteristically blunt person that you miss your dead parents? No sympathy. You make a life-changing decision just for the hell of it? Woo! There’s a reason fictional characters react differently to events than real people, fiction doesn’t have the space to develop the slow process of people becoming close to one another. You’re simply left with a generic game about nothing of any real consequence.

It’s a game about… nothing.

I puttered to around 70% of the way through the game ambivalent to what they were doing and why they were doing it. I was making my pirate into a bitching Samurai/Ninja, when all of the sudden I hit a somewhat sentimental moment. Galuf is battling this iteration’s incarnation of evil Exdeath, his daughter comes under attack, and he fights Exdeath, dying to save her life. I was surprised and momentarily touched. Then an eyebrow cocked up, and I realized they were trying to pull a fast one on me! Observe Tellah (FFIV) in the upper left, Galuf (FFV) in the upper right, Golbez (Villain from FF IV) in the bottom left, and Exdeath in the bottom right.

Taking off your glasses and lightening the hue of the armor
is the same as creating new characters.

In Final Fantasy IV, Tellah battles Golbez to avenge his daughter’s death, dying in the process. This was the point where redemption for the game became impossible for me. Sure there’s a villain behind Golbez who’s unveiled at the very end of the game, and Golbez never turns into a tree like Exdeath does, but ‘Old man fights another blue-hued villain bent on destruction because of something related to his daughter’. It’s like Back to the Future II without the wacky time paradox concerns.

After completing the game, I kinda wish I had watched this trilogy instead

The game isn’t without some good points or that it is without any original ideas. One interesting thing that’s fleshed out in this game is when the two worlds merge, you have the option to go through some extra dungeons for more powerful spells/equipment, or you can go straight to ExDeath. A similar gameplay technique is fleshed out in FF VI where in the World of Ruin one can fight the final boss as soon as you receive the airship, or you can go through a slew of dungeons to recover all of your characters and get some nice stuff. The job system also deserves some commendation as an interesting way of keeping you actively focused on your points and party set-up. The music is also as memorable and top-notch as you expect for a Final Fantasy game.

Even with these interesting characteristics, it’s hard to recommend Final Fantasy V with all the other options available unless you want to see the bridge between FFIV and FFVI. It can be beat in about 30 hours but the only engagement you’ll feel is from the job progression of your characters, and if this is your desire there are plenty of games which will give you an engaging story as well.

Punch Out: on your feet

2009-06-01T08:03:00.000-04:00

I'm shitface drunk in New Orleans people, so ya'll are not my problem this Monday. Go find some other overworked middle manager to give you your weekly pep talk cause it ain't me, babe.

Tetris: building on shaky ground

2009-05-25T08:07:00.000-04:00

The very foundations of society and civilization stand upon sticking round pegs into square holes. It’s not hard- all it takes is a little sanding of the circumference.

But not all materials are equally malleable, and even when successful this process wears us down to sharpened points. Sometimes it’s just not worth it. Sometimes we have to push our crooked towers over, let the pieces fall where they may, and start again another day.

Clu Clu Land: Revelation

2009-05-18T08:03:00.000-04:00

Subscribing to the notion that things happen for a reason does not require belief in a higher power- just the interconnectedness of people and events. We spend our lives trying to figure it all out, bouncing into each other and off the walls, grabbing at whatever we can hold on to, and then one day it just makes sense. You glimpse the big picture, if only for a moment, and see that we are all links in a beautiful chain, glittering diamonds somehow simultaneously discrete and indistinguishable. And it’s that moment your high score no longer matters, you stop worrying how many lives you’ve got left, and live them.

Toobin': hope floats

2009-05-11T08:09:00.000-04:00

Optimism is a trait best reserved for fools and salespeople, but I will always bet on the sun coming up. I know it’ll come around even if I haven’t seen it for days- otherwise the world would be a much colder place. In this cynical age it’s easy to mistake taking stock for counting chickens, but rose-tinted glasses aren’t required to see possibility. Remember that despair is like a vampire- it steals our strength and leaves us hollowed husks, but it can only be invited in. For even as we float up shit creek, at least the water is warm.

Today we've tread enough water to pass our 300th post! It hasn't been easy to keep this up for so long, and I'm sorry that recently work has prevented me from posting our regular 3-a-week, but this blog isn't the only thing I'm trying to keep from sinking...

If you've got anything to contribute, anything at all, please email us or leave a comment.

Blades of Steel: talk it out

2009-05-04T08:02:00.001-04:00

The reason it seems like there's never a good time is because there never is. You can bottle things up, but the genie always gets out in the end- it's a simple matter of time and friction. The question is which direction the bottle points, and whether there's going to be an explosion. Sometimes they're inescapable, but the alternative is that they're inevitable. In real life, winners don't avoid the penalty box, so you might as well get it over with.

oh, and if you're too old school for Blades of Steel, try mostivating yourself with Ice Hockey!

Civil War: a fight best forgotten

2009-04-29T08:08:00.000-04:00

Yes, well at least they didn’t outsource America’s bloodiest conflict to an Asian company…

You’d like to believe that the people around you have good intentions.

Like you’d like to believe that a trusted information source, beloved by the likes of Sam Waterston and Tony Soprano alike, wouldn’t cash in on their reputation to sell a substandard product.

You’d like to believe that…

Police Quest: spread the love

2009-04-27T08:41:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the only thing to do is play in the sunshine. Sometimes the burn is worth the warmth. Sometimes we must gorge ourselves on curried pleasure and drink the sweet fermented lemonade of endless summer, because doing any less would be an insult to the universe. Some days are so perfect that the only thing you can do is stroll through them, and look. And if someone doesn't get it, just give them a glass of lemonade.

HAPPY SUMMER!

I think I have an ulcer...no, seriously.

2009-04-22T10:37:00.002-04:00

I just hope it doesn't come to this.

My stomach is killing me and I'm shitting blood. I drink too much, smoke too much, work late at night too much, and have black coffee for lunch.

...Never should have cut out the half & half. I'd rather be fat and happy than a hot pretzel...

Cabal: everybody has to win sometime

2009-04-20T08:06:00.000-04:00

There is so much wrong in the world that it’s easy to lose sight of why you spend each day struggling to put your little piece of it right, and people do each other so dirty that it’s hard to remember we’re all wallowing in the same shit. Though the smallest war touches more than all it’s combatants, the longest is still nothing but a series of battles. Mourn every loss, they hurt worse than wounds, but take time to recognize the victories as well. You never know how long you’ll have to go before another one comes along, and you can’t know how far you’ve come without looking back.

Doomeru Spotting!

2009-04-17T11:08:00.001-04:00

It seems my desperate pleas paid off, and Doomeru has been found! A Disney World tourist spotted him just outside Frontier Land and sent footage showing him alive and healthy...Well, at least alive...

Come back to us, Doomeru! Abject failure as a blogger and responsible human being isn't worth drinking yourself to death over. Haven't you punished yourself enough?

Suikoden Tactics: The nameless, faceless, eyeless underclass

2009-04-15T08:05:00.002-04:00

If a quarter-century’s worth of video gaming has taught me anything, it’s that people take shortcuts. Time is finite, and work infinite; it’s understandable. We all do it.

But most of us don’t do it like this:

no, no that’s alright…

That’s right, eyeballs. Suikoden Tactics features over 50 playable characters, each with their own semblance of a personality, but I guess there wasn’t any left over for non “plot” related characters…

You rich, white, heterosexual males are all the same! With your power, and your privilege, and your eyeballs!

I mean, okay, overlook some frame skipping here, unbalanced enemies there, it’s expected. Unintelligible interface, unskippable animations, unavoidable loopholes, whatever...

Couldn’t have seen that one coming…Oh, wait. I guess he couldn’t…

But is it that hard to slap a couple eyeballs in an NPC’s skull? It’s not like you aren’t going to recycle their faces a hundred times anyway!

Doesn’t it just break your heart? The young idealistic hero really cared about that guy, in the blue, who was a merchant…what was his name again?

Oh and by the way, that plot? It's about a kid looking for a bunch of cannons that turn people into fishmen. No, seriously.

North and South: taking a stand

2009-04-13T08:03:00.000-04:00

Some battles can’t be won, but must be fought. On some ground you’d sooner be trampled than retreat. Right or wrong, for better or for worse, there comes a time when you can no longer compromise. And though self-immolation is generally too self-defeating to be any more than a solitary act, rest assured folks will remember it long after you’re gone.

No Time For Games

2009-04-08T08:38:00.002-04:00

Sorry people, the only games I've had time to play this week are PowerPoint and Excel. I was up till midnight yesterday trying to teach a keylogger to replace me. Keep your fingers crossed...

Zelda 2: Sleep...

2009-04-06T08:04:00.001-04:00

Early to bed and early to rise may make you healthy, wealthy and wise, and then again it may not. Either way, this grind will turn you into grist if you let it, and the closer the weekend the closer it is to Monday. There are so many things in the week that are out of our control, but this shouldn't be one of them. I understand the hours between when our brain is handed back to us and when it is again relinquished are sacred, but make them about quality instead of quantity, and don't forget your beauty rest.

Saints Row 2: Rabbi Gatstein, reformed

2009-04-03T08:09:00.001-04:00

Incarceration unsettles even the best of men. Rabbi Gatstein was no exception. Gatstein's time in a locked-down coma following the burning boat-blast betrayal by his gang-banging brethren left him with nothing to do but ponder all the horrible things he'd done. And like a shark forced to stop swimming, with no choice but to face the bloody facts of his existence...well let's just say the guy who came out wasn't the same that went in.

I can't find the original link for this video's inspiration, so here's an embed:

YouTube makes me sad...twice.

2009-04-01T00:38:00.005-04:00

I guess I'm the only guy who tries to upload videos after midnight on a Tuesday, because YouTube is telling me to just "be cool" while they do maintenance:

I've really got to quit that day job...

Anyway, I've been slowly brushing my teeth and sniffling over this dog for the last 45 minutes:

But still no luck. So the Wednesday post is gonna be a little late. Deal with it.

Willy Beamish: all is not lost

2009-03-30T08:08:00.000-04:00

Crediting your aptitude at a given task to external factors such as rabbit's feet, footwear, or turbo buttons is preemptively striking away responsibility for the time when you'll inevitably fuck it up. We get out what we put in, and put in whatever we're willing to pull out. We may get high with a little help from our friends, but the power to rise above lies within. This life will jam you up and beat you down; It will strip you of every comfort and crutch you hold dear, but it can never take that power away. So don't sit around waiting for your hair to grow back.

Swashbucklers: Why must you talk to me?

2009-03-27T08:02:00.000-04:00

I don't know about ya'll, but this is how the boss sounds to me every morning...

...Either I need to drink less, or she needs to drink more...

...she definitely needs to drink more...

Happy Friday!

Trauma Center, Under the Knife 2: what splitscreen was made for

2009-03-25T08:08:00.002-04:00

...yeah, her face wasn't really much to look at anyway...

And speaking of boobs, er, Trauma Center, did you catch our montage from back in the day?

Gyromite: comfort is complacency

2009-03-23T08:05:00.001-04:00

There are things in our days we do so often that they can be done without us. Our tongues remember the talk, fingers remember the formulas, our feet the way home. We'd be here now, but instead we're miles away, and everything seems to be working fine this way- how else would it have become routine? But it is by the details that we sink or succeed, by the details that we find meaning in this drudgery, or at least a good story for the bar. You can't sleepwalk through life, because sooner or later something will shake you awake, and it will hurt.

Final Fantasy Tactics: the third rail of video games

2009-03-19T23:13:00.006-04:00

Let me first say that I humbly apologize.

My last post kicked up a little shit storm on Gaming Reddit, mostly because the submission’s title implied I was talking about the original Final Fantasy Tactics when I was really reviewing Final Fantasy Tactics A2.

That was misleading and wrong of me.

And now that we’ve kissed and made up, let’s pick the scab:

The original Final Fantasy Tactics was an overrated approximation of a Tactics game. Its action was onerous, rules of engagement unadventurous, and if all I cared about were plot and its presentation, then I’d go watch a Deadwood. Clearly what’s left of Square isn’t blinded with nostalgia for FFT’s tangled web of high-falutin’ noble talk, given they followed it with not one but two third grade reading level knockoffs of The Never Ending Story, so why should we be?

My non-level-pumped game was saved and lost at Wiegraf too, people, and started over so I could shed a tear for Delita both times, so let’s just talk about this in gaming terms:

The entire job system, much less advancement past Wiegraf, was based on grinding. How hard can your decisions about spending job points be when walking back and forth is not only an option, but expected of you? And speaking of random battles, do you think that just maybe they might be a little more tolerable if you could skip the animations? The greatest improvement Tactics Advance and A2 made was not forcing you to fight…And yet they still forced you to watch…

And what of the battles? Even if you are on an even playing field with your enemy, what about that field and the rules in which you fight upon it affect your tactics? Besides height affecting attack power, where are the terrain influences? Where are the fields of influence around people that prevent you from just walking right past someone and stabbing them in the back? Who cares if someone dies when you can just raise them or use a phoenix down? Who cares if they aren’t dead forever, or at least face some kind of penalty? It’s not like gil doesn’t grow on trees. Come to think of it, I really wish gil would stop doing that.

And don’t give me that shit about this game being too busy “defining a genre” to care about such niggling tactical complexities- everything above had already been done:

Terrain Effects – Dai Senryaku
Field of Influence – Civilization
Death actually meaning something – Warsong
Resource scarcity – Fire Emblem
“Tactical RPG” character development without excessive grinding – Shining Force

In conclusion, I believe that the nostalgia we feel about FFT and the Final Fantasy series in general has let these games stagnate. Forget the phoned in plot – for FFTA2 to be so insultingly non user-friendly, unchallenging and simplified, or, gosh, fun to play, in a world where Advance Wars exists, is a crime. That crime began with the original FFT, and Square-Enix gets away with it because we let them.

Final Fantasy Tactics: a game by any other name

2009-03-18T07:58:00.001-04:00

We all know better than to believe the most recent Final Fantasy to be our last, and it’s persistent cast of mages, moogles, and guys named Cid has become far less fantastical than familiar, but the Tactics spinoff has yet to entrench itself so strongly.

But not long enough...

Still only in its third installment, FF Tactics is like an engorged tick on our arm, and only one match to the skin will expose it for the parasitical life sucker it yearns to become.

The word “tactics” is defined as “the branch of military science dealing with detailed maneuvers to achieve objectives set by strategy.” In gaming terms, it evokes a plotting, plodding genre of tanks and hexagons, fog of war and field of influence, risk, reaction, resource management, positioning, and consequential choices.

Final Fantasy Tactics A2, even more so than Tactics Advance or the original Tactics, has none of the above. Nor does it offer the caliber of self-indulgently elliptic femme-boy parable to which this series has made us all over-accustomed. In fact, the already insulting bullshit-to-plot ratio of Tactics Advance has been distilled impossibly further down to “Illiterate sociopath teenager becomes contract killer / delivery boy in magical realm. Keeps journal.”

Don't let his raspberry beret and high heels fool you- this kid is stone boring.

I’ve seen better plots in Grand Theft Auto. And, given that the game now progresses solely by going to the pub to sign up for plot-related missions amongst endless side-quests (pssst! Try picking the one quest that doesn’t have a time limit associated with it!), the comparison isn’t far off. Except that driving ambulances and beating whores is fun, while waiting your turn to chase down a defenseless bloodied bunny rabbit so you can finally learn how to become a Tinker is not. What the fuck good is a tinker anyway?

There aren’t even poisonous marshes anymore! Christ, archers can no longer shoot their friends by mistake (Believe me, I’ve tried.) And you give me 57 new jobs to waste my time earning but take away the Chemist? Becoming that useless item-mongering fuck was the only tough decision we ever had to make in these games! And what’s with all this racial profiling? Where is it written in Ivalice canon that Moogles can’t grow up to be Gladiators, or that No Mou can’t Dance? What would Barack Obama say?

...is a magic-user, surveying points of geological interest, all I might ever be?

Instead of using the Turn Based Strategy genre to remind us how Final Fantasy became a household name in the first place, Square-Enix has taken the same tired formula of lining up to take turns hitting each other and moved it to a square plane with little hills and steppy stones. Which is not to say that positioning your unimpeded merry mercenaries on all four sides of an enemy for a care bear stare curb stomp isn’t a “tactic,” per se, but that there aren’t really any other choices a reasonable mind might make, which I’d argue removes this game from the strategy vein. A more suitable name for it would have been “Final Fantasy Tactic.”

And no. No you can’t skip animations. This is Final Fantasy, after all.

aaand that makes one of us.

Edopeno motivates me.

2009-03-17T20:27:00.003-04:00

Our friendly neighborhood complete strangers over at Edopeno gave our Motivational Mondays some lurv!

Mom always told me I had a creative, nostalgic mind, but for some reason I never believed her...It just sounds so much more convincing when it comes from the internet.

Thanks Ed!

...But personally, the original has always been my favorite...

Punisher: The punch pulled is the most painful

2009-03-16T08:06:00.001-04:00

The only difference between defeat and hollow victory is the angle at which you can hold your head. Neither feel particularly satisfying nor deserved, and nothing is settled through either. The bested becomes insurgent, whilst the spoiled victor finds it becoming harder to sleep. Because something is only easy when someone is holding back, and surface tension only forms a foundation strong enough for fluff and insects. In the end it is resistance that generates traction. Leave tracks.

Thanks to kn0thing for giving me today's game. If you've got any ideas yourself, please leave them in the comments, or email us at resignedgamer@gmail.com

Police Quest III: There's one in every office...At least one...

2009-03-13T08:05:00.000-04:00

So much of so many of our lives is about finding friends, falling in love, and making families, yet most of our days are spent not in the company we keep, but at the one in which we work. And thus the company we keep becomes not those we chose, but those with whom we work. So either you learn to love your new family, or you learn to love the weekends. Happy Friday.

Kane and Lynch Hate You.

2009-03-11T08:04:00.002-04:00

In case you can't read that text it says:

"Click and hold RS and push LS DOWNWARDS twice
to give a secondary weapon to Lynch."

Is there anything else that needs to be said?